Crying Part Deux

I did it... I cried yesterday.  It wasn't a big long cleansing kind of cry but real tears fell from my eyes and it was a nice feeling although not for a nice reason.  I feel like I've begun to at least crack the shell a bit.  My oldest is visiting her dad for the summer in CA.  She's been gone for 2 weeks and still has 6 weeks until she comes home.   I was missing her like crazy yesterday and mustered up some tears.   Its important that she gets to spend this time with her dad and his family.  They go to ballgames and camp at the beach and she bonds with her cousins.  But, it kills me.  I'm used to her chattering 24/7 and driving her little sister crazy and opening the fridge every 30 minutes because she's STAAARVING!  Instead we have the same snacks in the fridge we had two weeks ago minus a yogurt or two.  The 5 year old is bored silly and making me play Littlest Pet Shop all the live long day.  Its been 100 degrees here for two weeks straight with a heat index of 105-110 so we can't even really just get outside and play.   And after the little one falls asleep there is just quiet in the house.   I need the sounds of Adam Lambert blasting from my daughter's room ... What Do You Want From Me.... over and over and over and OVER again.   There's not even any fight to listen to certain music in the car.  I know all too soon she'll be home and school will start and we'll be dragging ourselves out of bed at 5:30am and arguing about computer time at night but for now its all too peaceful and I don't like it one bit!

Why I Talk to Strangers

I sat next to a young woman on a plane last week but we didn't speak.   I'm one of those people who would love to hear your life story but I know not everyone feels that way.   When we landed in Dallas I had a text from my husband saying my flight home had been delayed.   I turned to the gal next to me and asked if she was staying in Dallas or moving on somewhere and she said she was going to Memphis.  I let her in on the bad news and next thing you know we're chatting like we're long lost friends.   We took the shuttle to the next terminal together and grabbed some dinner while killing time. She's expecting her first child so we chatted about babies and men and God and life choices in general.  By the time we checked into the gate, we were hoping we could get two seats together.  We politely begged the gate agent but that didn't work out.  I did give her my card and we are now Facebook friends.  I just wish we hadn't been so polite and respectful of each other's space on the first flight! It sure would have made that first flight a lot more fun!

Matt Redman - You Never Let Go (Passion '06)

This is my current ringtone. I'm not sure I'll ever change it. The song resonates in my head whenever I'm having a tough day.

David Crowder Band - How He Loves (Official Music Video)

Nothing fills my heart with more joy than to hear my 5 year old sing this at the top of her lungs. OH HOW HE LOVES US!!!!

Crying

I've always been a very relational, emotional person.  My friends say if I were a Care Bear I'd be Tenderheart Bear.  When I was little I could burst into tears at the drop of a hat.  I've been known to tear up at a Hallmark commercial, a sappy TV show, or a sad song on the radio.  I cried the day I heard Marvin Gaye died.  I was a teenager and wasn't really a huge Marvin Gaye fan but hearing that his dad shot him brought me to blubbering ugly cry tears.  Crying has just been a part of my life.

Which brings me to a problem I'm having.   I can't cry.  I'm on a couple of different medications and maybe they are the culprits.   I don't know.  What I do know is that for the last few months, no matter what the situation, I just can't cry.  I'm not saying its a bad thing necessarily but its awkward when you are in a room full of women who just heard some really sad or inspiring story and the tears are rolling down their faces while you sit there with eyes dry as the desert.

I've had a rough couple of years and did plenty of crying during that time.  I had to be strong for my girls and tried very hard not to cry in front of them.  Things have leveled out and most days are good and maybe its silly to complain about not crying.   However my preschooler graduates this week.  The other moms are already talking about what an emotional mess they are while I sit here feeling pretty level headed.  It would be nice to work up a tear or two for the ceremony.  She's been at the same school since she was a baby.  I worked there for two years.  We have no excuse to go back after Friday.  Its the end of an era.   I feel all of it.  I'm sad that her days there are ending.  Its been a wonderful journey.   But nope, not a single tear working up as I sit here and type it all out.   Its crazy.  

I had the opposite problem 6 months ago.  I couldn't laugh out loud.  The girls would say something funny and say "laugh Mama! that was funny!" and I'd think I AM laughing.   But there was no smile on my face and no sound coming out of my mouth.  I was laughing on the inside but I couldn't get it to come out.   I laugh all the time now.  I have no problem finding the joy in life.  Its like I've gone from one extreme to the other.  

So there ya go.  If you see me out in some situation that is obviously emotional to all involved, please don't think me cold hearted or unfeeling.   The emotions are there. They are just still bottled up.   I've prayed to God to let something touch me enough to bring tears... happy or sad.  I'm glad I've found my joy.  But a balance would be nice. .  My heart is teary eyed.   My body just isn't cooperating.

Your Everything - Keith Urban

And on a much happier note, Don and I celebrated 7 years of wedded bliss on Monday.  We didn't buy each other a gift although we both considered anti itch cream / powder!  We went to see Date Night with Steve Carrell and Tina Fey (well, they weren't at the movie with us but that sure woulda been fun!).   It was a fun movie but had a bit too much potty humor for my taste.  I did however love the background story about how when you've been married for a while Date Night is something that becomes as routine as everything else.   Don and I don't get out much but when we do its dinner and maybe a movie if we think we can stay awake through it.   We have our standard restaurants and we aren't brilliant conversationalists when you put work and kids on the forbidden list.  Most times we leave the house by 6 and at 7 we're looking at the dinner check thinking "we can't go home yet... the babysitter will think we're lame!"   So, sometimes we wander around Target or Blockbuster or just drive aimlessly in an attempt to kill at least another hour.  But you know what?  I love just being with him whether we're sitting on the couch watching endless episodes of Law and Order or sitting in a desert watching paint dry... it doesn't matter.  He is My Everything.  He's my cook, my lawn guy, my personal driver, my comedian, my walking music encyclopedia, my dumb joke teller, my prince charming.   He's just a good guy.  And I think at the end of the day that's what every woman wants... just a Good Guy.  Sometimes I sit and think about how blessed I am to have him, even on the days when he calls to say he'll be home late because some last minute problem at work came up or when he comes home grumpy.   He has a twinkle in his eye that I know is just for me.   He loves our girls with a passion and wants to be a better dad even though he's already doing a great job.  He loves God and isn't afraid to say it out loud.   He's just a Good Guy.   We've had 7 years and I can only pray we are blessed with 50 more.   

This was our wedding song.  When it came time to choose one this was the choice we both made without knowing what the other was thinking.  To this day, he's still the "spark that lights me up".    All that I'd been dreaming of and more.

Your Everything - Keith Urban

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
Like I've never felt with anyone else

I wanna give back what you've givin' to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
I wanna be more then just your man

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
And be the moon that moves your tide
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...

When you wake up, I'll be the first thing you see
And when it gets dark you can reach out for me
I'll cherish your words and I'll finish your thoughts
And I'll be your compass baby, when you get lost

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
And be the moon that moves your tide
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...

Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...
I wanna be your everything

What Makes You Stay - Deana Carter

As long as we're being melancholy,  this is one of my favorite "sad" songs.   Its from one of my all time favorite movies, Hope Floats.   Have you ever had one of those relationships where you just couldn't give up?  Where you knew you had just to just keep pushing through the pain and heartache in the hopes of something better?  And there is something about the smoothness of Deana Carter's voice.   The emotion just flows right through.

What is on your sad song list? 

What Makes You Stay - Deana Carter

Look at me
I'm in a place
I never thought I'd be

Don't have the strength
To fight anymore
Or a reason not to leave

So tell me why I still keep holding on
To something I just cannot see

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

I'm not afraid
Of living alone
I was alone before he came

I've been in love
Many times before
But this time's not the same

I've always been the first to say goodbye
Now it's the last thing I can do

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

When it goes this deep
And feels this strong
I can't convince myself
That this love is wrong

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay