18 years

My favorite customer this morning was a woman who had her two daughters with her.  They were probably about 6 and 8 and would wander just a few feet away from their mom to check out the stuffed animals or some of the trinkets around the cash register.  She was visibly frustrated trying to herd them like cats.  The girls were not disruptive and certainly weren't hurting anything so I smiled and told the mom that although I could certainly relate to her frustration, try to remember we only get 18 Very Short Years.  We chatted about how life moves so fast and the normal everyday stuff gets in the way of remembering to savor the magical (that also happens everyday).  She took a breath and said "Thank You, I needed that."

This afternoon at Target I saw a couple of blonde headed little boys exploring the shelves and heard their dad an aisle over calling them back to him.  When I turned the corner, the two boys were with their dad along with an older brother AND the dad was pushing a double stroller that held newborn twins, one boy, one girl.  I commented about her being the only girl and he smiled and told me her older sister was in another part of the store with mom.  Wow!  I tried to do the math... seven? No, six.  Dad smiled at the babies in the stroller and said "They were a surprise.".  I laughed and commented that one is a surprise, two is a shock!  He responded by saying one was a surprise, two was an even sweeter surprise.   

Not everyone is meant to be a parent but I'm certain it is exactly what I was meant to be.  My two girls remind me to see the wonder and magic in everyday life.  They fascinate me.  They confuse me.  They frustrate me.  They amaze me.

My oldest is on the threshold of 18.  How the hell did that happen??  Seriously.  Yesterday she was a short little toddler with big blue eyes and the prettiest blonde ringlets.  She was sassy, smart, and sweet.  She loved animals, french fries, and chocolate.  Did I mention she was stubborn?  Way more stubborn than anyone I had ever met in my lifetime.  I wasn't sure what to do with all that fire in her eyes.  One minute she was the most loving little girl wrapping me in a big hug.  The next she was throwing a tantrum complete with kicking and screaming.  I would just shut her door and let her squeal which only made her even more mad.  I read parenting books about "high spirited" children and talked to my mom about my sister who was a bit high spirited herself.  But only experience taught me how to handle this little hurricane I was given to raise.  It only took me 17 and 1/2 years but I've got her all figured out now.... just in time for her to take that free independent sassy spirit into the real world and start figuring it out on her own.  Oh, I'll never stop being her mom.  I'll always be here anytime she needs me and I'm certainly not packing her bags and throwing her out anytime soon.  But the raising part?  That's about done.  She is who she is and I learned a long time ago I couldn't stop that strong will no matter what I did or said. She is still every bit of who she was when she was little but now she speaks German instead of Whinese.
I pray I've taught her kindness and compassion above all.  I pray that she and I will always be close no matter where her free spirit takes her.   Mostly I hope she knows I gave her (and will always give her) my best. 

My youngest is 10.  We still have a few years of figuring each other out.  She is right on the edge of bouncing between Sweet and Eye roll.  At 10 she is taller than I ever hoped to be at that age and will soon outgrow my shoe size.  She is a lover of Minecraft, LEGOs, lizards and Harry Potter. Oh and fedora hats!  She has one for every day of the week.  Although the teen years are fast approaching, I hope to have an easier time with her.  She is a redhead which automatically gives her some spunk and sass but she is much less obstinate than her older sister.  The stubborn streak is there but the iceberg melts a little faster.  We are constantly learning how to communicate.  She is learning to trust that maybe I really was 10 once and can somewhat understand what she's feeling.  I am learning to be very patient as she tries to figure out all the new feelings that pre-teens have to deal with.  While my oldest is the hurricane, this kid is more like a supercell thunderstorm.  Its sunny one moment, the skies turn dark, there is some thunder, lightning, high winds and a downpour... and then you get the rainbow.   When those storms come in the next few years I need to remind myself to watch for the rainbow.

18 years goes by in such a flash.  You can tell any new parent that but they won't believe you until their own kid is 6 months away from legal adulthood.  The messy faces, the endless laundry, the temper tantrums, the teenage angst, the not so great report card grades, the scolding, the tears (mom and child!)... all gone in a flash.  None of that will matter in the end.  The hugs, the tea parties, the snuggles, the lullabies, the talks in the car when the kids think you are just making conversation but you are secretly trying to teach them something, the field trips, the giggles, the walks around the neighborhood, more hugs and snuggles... that's what you remember.  After 18 years that's what will make you smile when the house is too quiet.  The love.  In the end that's all parenting really is.  Endless Unconditional Love. 

"Life is short"

Life is short.  Lately it seems that's an understatement.  I am now of the age where people around me are starting to lose their parents.  Sometimes a parent loses a child.  And yesterday a dear classmate lost his brother who graduated just a year behind us. He was full of life and had a smile that could light up heaven. Death is a part of life.  We all know that none of us will get out of here alive. But when there is a sudden loss as in the case of my classmate, it weighs heavily on me and makes me take stock in whether I'm truly living each day as fully as I can.  Some days are filled with wild adventures but others are just filled with hours of TV.  There are days when I'm just plain tired.  Can it be said on those days I'm fully living?  What about the days when my girls want to do something fun and I say no because there is laundry and housework to be done.  If I said yes all the time we'd be naked and covered in cobwebs, right?  Where is the balance? 

My life has been filled with many adventures.  I haven't climbed any mountains but I've gotten married at the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus.  I haven't swum with sharks but I've partied with Cybill Shepherd.  I've snuggled with Bill Cosby, been to the top of the Empire State Building, seen almost everyone I'd want to see in concert, been to Mardi Gras twice, Jazz Fest once and I'm about to attend CMA Music Fest for the second time.  I've never been to Europe but I got engaged in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.  I may never see Australia but I've been to 30 something of the 50 states, including Hawaii.  I haven't met a Kennedy but I've performed at Kennedy Center (with my high school choir but hey...).   I've never met Harry Connick Jr. but I've hugged his dad.  I've planned two very successful high school reunions and I'm in touch with most of my class albeit via Facebook.  Elvis died before I was old enough to meet him but I've been to Graceland at least four times and love to attend the Candlelight Vigil every year my schedule permits. 

I've been deeply loved and have had my heart broken more than once.  I have friends I've known since I was a toddler and made a new friend last week.  My family is close and I talk to my mom and siblings often.  I know that isn't the case with a lot of families.  I have a husband whom I adore and I'm pretty sure he likes me most days.  I have two beautiful daughters who drive me crazy and make me proud all in the same heartbeat.  I have a job that I truly love and have only had two jobs in my entire career that I didn't feel that way about. 

I'll be 42 in two weeks.  I've done a lot in 42 years and as I sit here and think about it all, I'd say I've lived quite a full life... full of laughter, full of friendship, full of adventure and spontaneity, and most of all full of love.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring but I hope in 42 more years I can write another blog post or whatever is in fashion then and reflect on how much more I've experienced. 

Life is short.  Make the most of it that you can, even when there is laundry to be done.  Make room for the mundane but also don't miss out on the magical.  Try new foods because taste buds change (something my 8 year old continually reminds me).  Go see a movie you haven't even seen a preview of - surprise yourself.  When you see a familiar face, figure out where you know them from and go say hello.  Its how I met my husband... we talked three separate times, each a month apart, before exchanging names.  If something breaks, repair it if you can but don't put too much energy into it.  Stuff is stuff.  Relationships are the things you should spend time dusting off, repairing if needed, and cherishing continually.  When you are in a moment, "Make a Memory".  Its something my mom taught me and I hope I'm passing on to my girls.  Life is short but its also full.  Listen to the rain, look for the rainbow.  Smile at strangers. Be who you are and not who you think you should be.  Its very freeing.  We all have so much to offer this world and we need to learn to appreciate our differences more instead of judging and trying to change each other.  I'm not a huge John Mayer fan but he's right - say what you need to say.

What I Know Now

I'm reading a book by women who are writing letters to their younger selves. So far this is my favorite quote - "When juggling as much as you are, remember some balls are glass, some are rubber. You can't drop the glass balls. Also, learn to put blinders on about certain things. Laundry will wait very patiently." - Nora Roberts. What would YOU tell your younger self?

First and foremost I think I would tell myself that it doesn't matter if you don't fit into a certain group.  Cliques are overrated.  Make friends with everyone because one day you will still be friends with everyone.

That D you got in Algebra doesn't really matter in the long run.

Live on your own before you live with someone else.  And for goodness sake make sure that person lives on their own too!

Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're stupid or inferior or that your feelings don't matter.  Stand up for yourself and know that you deserve so much better.   Find the guy that will be your partner, not your dictator.

Don't ever regret what happens in life, good or bad.  Every moment will shape your thoughts, your emotions, your relationships.   You will end up wise and confident.

Be spontaneous.  Spontaneity will take you on great adventures and help you meet great people!

Don't stress too much about motherhood.  Love your children the way you've always loved everyone in your life and they will turn out ok.  You'll have your battles, especially with your oldest but keep in mind that her spunk will help her be a strong independent woman one day.

Most of all, be kind to yourself.   Take time for fun.  Take pictures.  Write.  Do the things you love.  Laundry really will wait for you.  

BFF's

I am wary of posting pictures of other people's kids without permission but I love this pic and I'm pretty sure it doesn't give away any identity unless you happen to know these girls.  The redhead is mine.  This to me is what friendship is all about.  We were walking to the movie theater on a school field trip to see The Lorax.  I couldn't help but snap the pic.   The best part about this picture is that the girls get to be in the same class again this year.  My best friend in first grade moved away the next year but we were close like this.  Our teacher used to call us the Bobsey Twins.  I'd give anything to find her again.  I know people change over time but I have the feeling that as close as we were, we'd still get along famously.

Crying Part Deux

I did it... I cried yesterday.  It wasn't a big long cleansing kind of cry but real tears fell from my eyes and it was a nice feeling although not for a nice reason.  I feel like I've begun to at least crack the shell a bit.  My oldest is visiting her dad for the summer in CA.  She's been gone for 2 weeks and still has 6 weeks until she comes home.   I was missing her like crazy yesterday and mustered up some tears.   Its important that she gets to spend this time with her dad and his family.  They go to ballgames and camp at the beach and she bonds with her cousins.  But, it kills me.  I'm used to her chattering 24/7 and driving her little sister crazy and opening the fridge every 30 minutes because she's STAAARVING!  Instead we have the same snacks in the fridge we had two weeks ago minus a yogurt or two.  The 5 year old is bored silly and making me play Littlest Pet Shop all the live long day.  Its been 100 degrees here for two weeks straight with a heat index of 105-110 so we can't even really just get outside and play.   And after the little one falls asleep there is just quiet in the house.   I need the sounds of Adam Lambert blasting from my daughter's room ... What Do You Want From Me.... over and over and over and OVER again.   There's not even any fight to listen to certain music in the car.  I know all too soon she'll be home and school will start and we'll be dragging ourselves out of bed at 5:30am and arguing about computer time at night but for now its all too peaceful and I don't like it one bit!

Slipping thru my fingers

I went to see Mamma Mia last night with a bunch of girlfriends. My mom had wanted to go with us as well but it just didn’t work out. She kept telling me I’d wish she were there due to the mother daughter wedding scenes. She was right. When Donna was helping Sophie get ready for the wedding and started to sing Slipping Through My Fingers, tears flooded my eyes. I saw myself 20 (15?) years from now with my own daughters at their weddings. I thought about how quickly this summer has passed and all of the things we meant to do together but didn’t. I thought about my 10 year old and how quickly those 10 years have flown by. How quickly will the next 10 fly? How quickly will that be me and her sitting in some room getting her ready for her own nuptuals?

Then I thought of my mom and saw life for just a minute from her perspective. How quickly I must have grown up right in front of her eyes. How often she must have wanted to freeze the picture. I will be leaving home soon. I’ve already left her house but not too far down the road I’ll be leaving the city I’ve lived in the majority of my life. I’ll be leaving the security of having my mom not more than 10 minutes away. I’ll be leaving the ease of just calling her up and meeting for dinner or a movie. We’ve had a really hard time over the last year coming to terms with the reality of it all. Now I see how painful it must be for her to see me slipping through her fingers.

I’m thankful that we live in times of email and Skype and free long distance through cell phones but I also realize that when I leave, things won’t be the same. Sometimes I wish I’d left home at 18 like my siblings did. But mostly I’m glad I’ve had the 37 years of having my mom so close at hand. I’ve only just begun to grieve the loss of the day to day relationship and I know I still have a long way to go. But for just one second yesterday, in a dark movie theatre, I stood in her shoes and had a moment of clarity… all because of a chick flick and an Abba song.
Slipping Through My Fingers – Abba
Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I’m losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I’m glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she’s gone there’s that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can’t deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didn’t
And why I just don’t know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers…

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile…

Dear Sweet Baby of Mine,

I know, I know, you’re not a baby anymore. You remind me of that often. But you’ll always be My Baby. You have brought so much joy to our family in the last three years. Your sweet smile and giggly laugh are contagious. Your eyes twinkle when you smile just like your Daddy’s. God has truly given you such a warm loving spirit and it shows in everything you do. I love that you love to cuddle as much as you do. It just melts my heart when you snuggle in next to me and say “Mommy, I want chu”.

You are a lover of music. You sing and dance constantly and are always asking me to play your cd’s in the car. You especially love Laurie Berkner, Sesame Street and most recently, the Wiggles. However, Sesame Street still gets played the most out of all of them. You and Ernie both have a deep love for your rubber duckies.

I got a sweet compliment about you at church yesterday. The classroom workers said you are the most well behaved, sweetest kid they have in class. I gave a nervous laugh and said thank you thinking they must say that to everyone but they both piped up and said, no really, we mean that. You are so sweet to your friends. You’re only three so sharing is still an issue at times but if someone is crying, you’re the kid who goes up and wants to know what’s wrong and tells them its going to be ok. Let’s see, your best friends are Abby, Zander, Jake Jake, and Kellan. You and Abby and Zander are inseparable at school.

At three you know your ABC’s and know what sound most of the letters make (thank you Word World!). You can count to 20 but for some reason you don’t like the number 16. You really do have nice manners for a toddler always saying please and thank you. You loooove puzzles! You have several 25 piece puzzles hidden under your crib and they are pulled out and played with daily. Your Great Uncle Bill thinks you may have engineering skills after watching you figure out where each piece goes. Maybe that means you’ll be good at math too. Let’s hope so! You love the computer and play on your Noggin games or on Sesame Street .com every day. You can navigate those websites almost as well as your Sissy. You adore your Rose Petal Cottage and your baby dolls / stuffed animals. You are always putting someone down for a nap, feeding them breakfast, or changing a diaper. Your imaginary world is so fun to be a part of!

You and Kayla are best buddies. I love watching the two of you all sleepy eyed in the morning, curled up in your blankets in front of the TV watching Curious George. Your Sissy is a great helper and loves to make your breakfast and play with you and she’s even trying to help you get potty trained…. yeah, that’s a slow going process but we’re gonna keep working on it. They won’t let you into kindergarten in diapers Kiddo!

This has been a hard year for us all as Daddy is away a lot and we’re still trying to get the house ready to sell. You’ve learned what it means to miss someone and it breaks my heart to hear you say you want Daddy. I do too sweetie. I do too. We’ll all be back together soon. Yesterday you woke up before he left. I think he was happy to be able to give you another birthday hug. I know how sad he is not to be able to be with you today. He has his phone alarm set for 1:30 though so that he can be on the phone with us at 1:33. Your Daddy is sweet like that. We’re all just so blessed.

My Gracie Girl, Graceapottamus, Gracie Bear Bear, you are loved. My cup runneth over with love for you my sweet Baby girl. Happy Happy Happy Birthday. May all your dreams come true.

Love,
Mama