Crying

I've always been a very relational, emotional person.  My friends say if I were a Care Bear I'd be Tenderheart Bear.  When I was little I could burst into tears at the drop of a hat.  I've been known to tear up at a Hallmark commercial, a sappy TV show, or a sad song on the radio.  I cried the day I heard Marvin Gaye died.  I was a teenager and wasn't really a huge Marvin Gaye fan but hearing that his dad shot him brought me to blubbering ugly cry tears.  Crying has just been a part of my life.

Which brings me to a problem I'm having.   I can't cry.  I'm on a couple of different medications and maybe they are the culprits.   I don't know.  What I do know is that for the last few months, no matter what the situation, I just can't cry.  I'm not saying its a bad thing necessarily but its awkward when you are in a room full of women who just heard some really sad or inspiring story and the tears are rolling down their faces while you sit there with eyes dry as the desert.

I've had a rough couple of years and did plenty of crying during that time.  I had to be strong for my girls and tried very hard not to cry in front of them.  Things have leveled out and most days are good and maybe its silly to complain about not crying.   However my preschooler graduates this week.  The other moms are already talking about what an emotional mess they are while I sit here feeling pretty level headed.  It would be nice to work up a tear or two for the ceremony.  She's been at the same school since she was a baby.  I worked there for two years.  We have no excuse to go back after Friday.  Its the end of an era.   I feel all of it.  I'm sad that her days there are ending.  Its been a wonderful journey.   But nope, not a single tear working up as I sit here and type it all out.   Its crazy.  

I had the opposite problem 6 months ago.  I couldn't laugh out loud.  The girls would say something funny and say "laugh Mama! that was funny!" and I'd think I AM laughing.   But there was no smile on my face and no sound coming out of my mouth.  I was laughing on the inside but I couldn't get it to come out.   I laugh all the time now.  I have no problem finding the joy in life.  Its like I've gone from one extreme to the other.  

So there ya go.  If you see me out in some situation that is obviously emotional to all involved, please don't think me cold hearted or unfeeling.   The emotions are there. They are just still bottled up.   I've prayed to God to let something touch me enough to bring tears... happy or sad.  I'm glad I've found my joy.  But a balance would be nice. .  My heart is teary eyed.   My body just isn't cooperating.