Sticks and stones

Words.  I love them.  I'm a writer.  Some people speak in actions, some in art, some in song.  I write.  I write much more eloquently than I speak.  When I speak I get tongue tied and what I say never sounds like it did when it was in my head.  I have a deep need to put my thoughts, hopes, dreams, anger, frustration and love down on paper.  Sometimes I walk around for days with things in my head that I know must be written down or they will be lost forever.  

Words.  I hate them.  They can cut right through your heart.  They can make you feel like a teeny tiny ant on the sidewalk... the one going the wrong way that can't find any food.  They can tear people apart, especially when after the yucky words come out, people are too scared to try to turn it around with the right words for fear of rejection.  

My first marriage was not a healthy one.  Angry voices were more common than not along with name calling and humiliation, even in front of friends.  Its been 15 years since that relationship ended and to this day I can’t freely cry because I used to be told I was stupid for doing so…. UNLESS I’m embarrassed.  When someone scolds or corrects me, no matter how gently, I’m a puddle of tears and its unstoppable.  

When we were kids we used to say “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me”.   But that mentality doesn’t hold up to abuse.   Words DO hurt, and unlike physical abuse, the damage isn’t visible to others.   ALL forms of abuse are long lasting and dehumanizing.  

Words have power both for good and for evil.  They can lift you up and knock you down all in the same conversation.  They shape who we are and define our relationships.  It all starts when we are young.  I vividly remember my two year old daughter telling her baby doll in a very stern and frustrated voice, "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!"  It slapped me straight across the face when I realized she was parroting what she heard me say when we got ready in the mornings.  It didn't feel very good to know I was teaching her that was ok and normal.  From that day forward I vowed to try to be more patient and gentle with my words. As parents we don't realize what an impact every word has, not to mention the inflection and purpose behind what we say.  I have very vivid memories of my dad smacking himself on the forehead with his hands saying "stupid stupid stupid!!"  It hurt to watch and only now do I understand those actions carried over from his childhood.  

I know every parent has the right to raise their child however they see fit but it truly breaks my heart to listen to the way people talk to their kids sometimes. Do I get irritated and frustrated with my children?  Of course I do.  But I don't think its ok to tell a toddler to "Shut up" and I certainly don't agree with public humiliation and shame.  I see it all too often and think if it crushes me, what kind of impact does it have on the child?  

I teach Pre-K 5 and love every second of it but I'm constantly being told so and so said something to hurt someones feelings.  We talk A LOT about kindness in my classroom and several weeks ago I sat them all down to talk about words.  I took a piece of paper and said things I had heard them say to each other like "I don't like your shirt" and "You're not my friend" and with each insult I crumpled the paper up more and more.  Then I handed the paper to one of the kids and asked them to straighten it back out.  They passed it from friend to friend, each one trying to straighten the paper to its original form until finally the paper was so weak it tore apart. I was trying to impress on them that hurtful words leave their mark.  Its a lesson I found on the internet and at the time I wasn't sure how much impact it would have on 5 year olds.   Fast forward to Friday during free time where one of the kids told another they hated him.  He came to me crying and I put the offending child in timeout.  Within the next five minutes two other kids had said the same thing to the offending child, I'm guessing as a sign of solidarity with the kid who was hurt.  Hate is a word that is never ok in my book.  I took all the kids and sat them down to talk again about words and kindness and especially the word hate.  We had a lively discussion that ended with me telling them that each child had their own special voice and talents to share with the world and that no one should ever be allowed to take that away from them.   We shared compliments with each other and I felt good about the life lesson.  Later that afternoon, the child whose friend had said those awful words brought me a crumpled up napkin and said, "Ms Betsey, this is what my heart felt like after (offending child) said they hated me."  

See, children listen.  What we say matters.  I'm not saying everyone should shower their children with compliments 24/7 and never discipline them.  There is always a right time for the right words said in a calm and respectful manner in order to get a point across.  I'm not a Pollyanna that thinks the world is all sunshine and rainbows.   But I do think the world would be a gentler place if we could just step back when frustration and anger take over.   Think before you speak.... old advice that rings so true.  From the time even before our children begin to speak, they listen.  They hear us sing, laugh, and yes, yell.  

Words have power. We say thousands of them every day.   Would you rather use yours to build someone up or bring them down?  Kindness matters.