New Year's Eve - 2017

"In a dark time, the eye begins to see."- Theodore Roethke

Its funny how we humans think the turn of a calendar page will magically start things over... that we can wash our hands of the days behind and just keep marching forward. In a sense I guess that is true as every new day brings forth a new sunrise and 24 hours in which anything can happen. But there are also continual things that don't just stop because of a New Year's countdown. On Tuesday I will still have to deal with how to get a new car. On Tuesday Mike will still be gone. On Tuesday I will still have to deal with Things that You Don't Talk About on Facebook. In the same regard though, this year has taught me more than any other that every minute counts.... every word, every thought, every action. It all changes so fast.

Kayla said after the wreck that she thought it was a wake up call... not for us necessarily but maybe for the other driver. She didn't know how right she was but it wasn't for the other driver. It was for me. I've been in a fog this year .... a light fog at first but a very dense fog since we lost Mike. I know its the natural process of things and I know I still have a lot of work to do but Thursday's accident definitely started to lift that fog. When I think about the moment of impact and how different things might have been I shudder and praise God at the same time. There is zero doubt in my mind that angels surrounded our car and protected us from further impact. We were given a new chance to live life with clearer understanding of just how precious every moment is.

2017 hasn't been my favorite year for a lot of reasons and turning the calendar tomorrow will not fix all of those things. However my very wise friend Georgia said this when posting about the ice on her lake -

"Perhaps God is saying -Go paint something marvelous , beautiful and glowing with your life today .

Or perhaps it’s a gentle reminder to take a moment of Peace with Him - thaw out and let His light fill your soul .

Or perhaps He’s saying it’s ok to be frozen in life at moments because with every cold snap of life there is
a “just around the corner” -warming of the Son, and soon clarity in the thaw will surface....

Or perhaps it’s just frozen water on a little random lake , on a awkwardly cold day in December -
.... I don’t think so!"

She posted this the morning after our accident. I realized I've been in a frozen state... scared to see what a new day could bring, scared to let myself be close to anyone anymore, scared to put words on paper because words make the tears flow... scared to let God put His arms around me and let me just be.

But after Thursday I'm starting to feel the thaw... the warming of the Son. I'm not on this Earth to stay frozen and stagnant. I've always been told I have a light in me that other people see but I'm afraid I've been hiding that in my own self pity and grief and for that I am truly sorry. I've had friends and family reach out and every gesture has meant the world to me but I'm also realizing I've been my own worst enemy. I was in survival mode. I literally just put one foot forward and took life as it came but I missed out on the joy EVERY SINGLE DAY has the potential to bring. I'm not saying my grief process is over by any means... and there may be days where I feel the need to be in my cave again. BUT tomorrow IS a new year... a new start full of new adventures and new hopes and new goals.

My promise is that I will wake up with HOPE in my heart. That I will choose to focus on the JOY in each moment. That I will let FEAR take a backseat to COURAGE AND STRENGTH. And that I will continue to sit in the LIGHT of the SON and let Him thaw my spirit until it SHINES again.

Sticks and stones

Words.  I love them.  I'm a writer.  Some people speak in actions, some in art, some in song.  I write.  I write much more eloquently than I speak.  When I speak I get tongue tied and what I say never sounds like it did when it was in my head.  I have a deep need to put my thoughts, hopes, dreams, anger, frustration and love down on paper.  Sometimes I walk around for days with things in my head that I know must be written down or they will be lost forever.  

Words.  I hate them.  They can cut right through your heart.  They can make you feel like a teeny tiny ant on the sidewalk... the one going the wrong way that can't find any food.  They can tear people apart, especially when after the yucky words come out, people are too scared to try to turn it around with the right words for fear of rejection.  

My first marriage was not a healthy one.  Angry voices were more common than not along with name calling and humiliation, even in front of friends.  Its been 15 years since that relationship ended and to this day I can’t freely cry because I used to be told I was stupid for doing so…. UNLESS I’m embarrassed.  When someone scolds or corrects me, no matter how gently, I’m a puddle of tears and its unstoppable.  

When we were kids we used to say “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me”.   But that mentality doesn’t hold up to abuse.   Words DO hurt, and unlike physical abuse, the damage isn’t visible to others.   ALL forms of abuse are long lasting and dehumanizing.  

Words have power both for good and for evil.  They can lift you up and knock you down all in the same conversation.  They shape who we are and define our relationships.  It all starts when we are young.  I vividly remember my two year old daughter telling her baby doll in a very stern and frustrated voice, "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!"  It slapped me straight across the face when I realized she was parroting what she heard me say when we got ready in the mornings.  It didn't feel very good to know I was teaching her that was ok and normal.  From that day forward I vowed to try to be more patient and gentle with my words. As parents we don't realize what an impact every word has, not to mention the inflection and purpose behind what we say.  I have very vivid memories of my dad smacking himself on the forehead with his hands saying "stupid stupid stupid!!"  It hurt to watch and only now do I understand those actions carried over from his childhood.  

I know every parent has the right to raise their child however they see fit but it truly breaks my heart to listen to the way people talk to their kids sometimes. Do I get irritated and frustrated with my children?  Of course I do.  But I don't think its ok to tell a toddler to "Shut up" and I certainly don't agree with public humiliation and shame.  I see it all too often and think if it crushes me, what kind of impact does it have on the child?  

I teach Pre-K 5 and love every second of it but I'm constantly being told so and so said something to hurt someones feelings.  We talk A LOT about kindness in my classroom and several weeks ago I sat them all down to talk about words.  I took a piece of paper and said things I had heard them say to each other like "I don't like your shirt" and "You're not my friend" and with each insult I crumpled the paper up more and more.  Then I handed the paper to one of the kids and asked them to straighten it back out.  They passed it from friend to friend, each one trying to straighten the paper to its original form until finally the paper was so weak it tore apart. I was trying to impress on them that hurtful words leave their mark.  Its a lesson I found on the internet and at the time I wasn't sure how much impact it would have on 5 year olds.   Fast forward to Friday during free time where one of the kids told another they hated him.  He came to me crying and I put the offending child in timeout.  Within the next five minutes two other kids had said the same thing to the offending child, I'm guessing as a sign of solidarity with the kid who was hurt.  Hate is a word that is never ok in my book.  I took all the kids and sat them down to talk again about words and kindness and especially the word hate.  We had a lively discussion that ended with me telling them that each child had their own special voice and talents to share with the world and that no one should ever be allowed to take that away from them.   We shared compliments with each other and I felt good about the life lesson.  Later that afternoon, the child whose friend had said those awful words brought me a crumpled up napkin and said, "Ms Betsey, this is what my heart felt like after (offending child) said they hated me."  

See, children listen.  What we say matters.  I'm not saying everyone should shower their children with compliments 24/7 and never discipline them.  There is always a right time for the right words said in a calm and respectful manner in order to get a point across.  I'm not a Pollyanna that thinks the world is all sunshine and rainbows.   But I do think the world would be a gentler place if we could just step back when frustration and anger take over.   Think before you speak.... old advice that rings so true.  From the time even before our children begin to speak, they listen.  They hear us sing, laugh, and yes, yell.  

Words have power. We say thousands of them every day.   Would you rather use yours to build someone up or bring them down?  Kindness matters.  

Mother's Day thoughts...

Mother's Day is next Sunday. I used work for an industry that pushes love for your mom and while I hit the jackpot in the mom dept, I'm well aware that for many this is a hard holiday to get through.

My heart is with those who have broken relationships with their moms.
My heart is with those who have lost a child.
 My heart is with all the dads who fill the mom void for any reason. 
My heart is with those who have struggled with infertility.
My heart is with those who gone from the child to the caretaker.
My heart is with those who have lost their moms.

My wish for you all is that you are surrounded by other women in your life who can lift you up and help you begin to heal those wounds. Even in the midst of celebration, you are not forgotten.

(These are my words from my heart, not something I copied and pasted. Feel free to share but please give credit if you do.)

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Things were trucking along pretty well for us for a while now. And then last night happened. Due to a freakish medical incident ((#RespecttheHIPPAyall)), Don had a single car accident. Car (borrowed from a friend) totaled, Don thankfully just bruised but what this is really about is just the reminder of how precious each moment is. 

The car stopped feet away from a gas line.

The car didn't hit the tree in the path. 

The accident happened on our street (literally 10 ft from our house-  and not on Hwy 64 where he could have hit someone head on. 

He was wearing a seatbelt and the airbag worked. 

So many factors could have been different. Don't take your family for granted. Don't take your health for granted. We are still processing the situation and there are a lot of complicated things ahead but my husband is asleep in the bedroom instead of a hospital or not here at all. 

For that I'm grateful.

Do what you love, love what you do

I have always firmly believed that you should do what you love and love what you do. I've been pretty lucky to have jobs that make me feel like I'm making a difference in the world (except for that one month I worked as "Label Maintenance" at Target ...just me and a bunch of shelves and price labels. It's as awful as it sounds)

I had a possible new opportunity come my way this week and while I would have enjoyed it, I know in my heart I am exactly where God wants me to be right now. On Monday AM, three of my kids nearly knocked me over as they ran towards me screaming "Ms Betsey we missed you!!!!" and wrapping their arms around my legs in the best kind of five year old hug. On Tuesday they showered me with Valentine love. 

And today, well today I cried the sweetest, proudest tears, as the kid who struggles the most to learn, made a perfect J with Froot Loops and then asked to do it again. He's learning!! And I'm teaching him! Who can ask for more?? 

#MsBetseysPreschoolAdventures #Ilovemyjob#itsnotworkwhenyouwoulddoitforfree #blessed

Thoughts on life and death...

I know a lot of people who have earned their angel wings. A lot. 

But since I was very young, I've been very aware of the fragility of life. I consider that perspective a gift. It's why I try not to sweat the small stuff. It's why I do my best to find old friends and keep old friends. It's why I wear deelyboppers on my head in public and why I laugh at my class clown for just a second before trying to regain control of the room. It's why I love to tell strangers their smile or laugh made me smile. It's why I try to always make sure friends and family know how much they mean to me. Say what you need to say-Always. It's why I love a good book and a great movie... everyone has a story to tell and everyone's story deserves to be heard. It's part of why I believe in God because I find comfort in knowing those lost are still watching over me. And faith is the only way I can deal with the sudden, much too young losses.

I have to believe there is a plan and a purpose. The people who have gone before me have all left a mark on my soul. I remember their smiles, their voices, their laughs. Every person I meet changes me hopefully for the better. I long to be someone who others see as kind, compassionate and loving. Because even if we all plan to live to be 117, there will always be those who leave us too soon. I want to make sure my last words to them were kind ones and I pray maybe I changed their life for the better too.

So yes, I know a lot of angels but that just means my life is rich and full. Life isn't about politics or business or money or things. Life is about humanity and compassion and kindness and love. Life is fragile but it was also meant to be LIVED OUT LOUD! It's meant to be fun and silly and spontaneous and even sad and tragic and unexpected. Sometimes all of those things happen in one single day. But embrace it! With each moment LOVE fully and smile at strangers. Cry at Hallmark commercials and just sit on the couch doing nothing with your significant other or your kids. Those insignificant moments become significant when memories are all that are left behind. 

#ibelieveinangels #kindnessmatters #makeeverybreathcount#wearthedeelybopperswithwildabandon

May all your days be Circus Days

By now you have probably heard the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey is disbanding the Circus in May. I know people have feelings about the animal acts but to me the Circus will always be a special place and the news makes me sad. 

Most but not all of you know my first wedding took place during a performance of the Ringling Brothers Circus. I won an essay contest on "Why I Want my Wedding to be the Greatest Show on Earth. Over 300 people entered the contest. We were the second non circus couple in history to be married under the big top....the first just a week before us - same contest, different part of the country. 

Before the wedding I was back in Clown Alley and one of the clowns played Roy Orbison's Pretty Woman on his guitar as I walked by. My ex and his best man rode in on elephants and I had a horse drawn carriage. The calliope played the wedding march and 15 clowns and 15 showgirls were our attendants. The ringmaster escorted my mom in. Our first act as a married couple was to blow the whistles that start the Circus. The lights went out and we were quickly escorted to our seats. When the lights came on I was face to face with an elephant. I ate sno cones and popcorn in my wedding dress while sitting front row center.

It's a part of my life I will never forget. Thanks for the memories Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. May all your Days be Circus Days!

MLK and me

I was born in 1971. Segregation was over and I grew up with friends of all races. My generation is the first where we could go to school together, drink from the same water fountains, date freely, and even just ride a bus together. This week I've been thinking about all of the times race has been a factor in my life. I remember when I was in elementary school and didn't know any better we were so angry about the busing. Some of the kids changed the words of Pink Floyds "Brick in the Wall" to "We don't need no blacks at our school". I was naive enough to join in and actually wrote about it in my diary along with my feelings about Dr. Willie Herenton. (Hey, Willie, leave us kids alone!). Keep in mind I was 10 at the time.

I vividly remember the disdain of my next door neighbor when she found out a black family was moving into the house on the corner. I remember bringing black friends to my house and my dad making comments that I won't repeat here. I also remember him saying that word that makes me cringe when talking about why he couldn't get a job at FedEx. We were in the car and he was ranting and I calmly looked at him and asked him to never say that word in my presence again. He hasn't.

Its hard for me to fathom that people I'm friends with currently went through such discrimination. It really hurts my heart. Every one of my elementary / high school friends' parents lived through the 50's and 60's. I cannot even fathom living in world like that. To be taught to act that way towards another human being... or to teach my children that kind of attitude. I guess that's what hurts my heart the most... none of us are born realizing our differences. Its all taught. Nobody is born a bigot. I still see it in some of the posts on my feed which means they are teaching their children the same attitudes. I see my best friend endure it in the workplace and in her struggle to raise her three children - to teach them we are equal even though the world still disagrees. I went to see the movie Hidden Figures yesterday and cried at the things "the coloreds" endured. We have come a long way thankfully but we still have miles to go.

"I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." - Martin Luther King, Jr and Betsey Harwood Bogen#kindnessmatters