Feelings, whoaaaaaa, Feeelings....

I've been avoiding this post.  I've been staring at Facebook, doing dishes, laundry, watching mindless TV... whatever it took to not have to post this.  Even now I'm not sure it will be successful.  If you haven't been keeping up, click here.   After I emailed a friend the story he replied with "I can only imagine how you and Don must have felt throughout the whole experience."  Felt?  I was much too busy doing to feel.  I had to watch over my daughter and make sure she was getting all the help she needed.  I had to make sure she was not in pain.  I had to make sure she was resting.  I had to inform everyone else about what was going on... there were Facebook posts to reply to and text messages and phone calls.  There was no time to feel.  I was in Mama Lion mode.  I had to have the brave face and not let on to Kayla just how scared I would have been if I had given myself time to think about it.  Even now I'm not sure I want to go there.  Or that I can go there.   Everyone asks me how I am and I smile and say I'm fine.  We are taking it day by day.  The meds are working.  The blood clot has dissolved.  All is well.  Really.  Every now and then when I'm telling the story I can feel the emotions creeping up but just as the eyes start to water, I push it back down.  I'd be silly to fall apart now... three months out from everything that happened.

The truth is, we almost lost her.  But my heart can't go there.  My brain knows it.  I know the severity of everything we dealt with.  I know blood transfusions aren't just normal everyday procedures.  I know she was severely malnourished and her vital organs could have been permanently damaged.  I know Dr. Cross said we were lucky we came to the hospital when we did.  I know Dr. Mike was trying to tell me with his eyes how quickly things could turn for the worse when we discovered the blood clot.  I know he was trying to speak the truth without speaking the whole truth when he told me to be prepared for her to end up in ICU if the blood thinners and the Ulcerative Colitis worked against each other as they feared.  I will never forget the look in his eyes.  I know my heart jumped when he said "St. Jude".  I know my heart broke when Kayla woke up from the scope and said "Are they sure its not cancer?".   I know things were serious.  I know things could potentially be serious again someday down the road if the meds don't work.  I know another piece of my heart broke when she said "I didn't know how badly I felt until I felt better.  Its been probably two years since I've felt this good".  That means half of her teenage years.  Half.  My brain knows that.

My heart knows it too.  I'm just not ready to go there.  I'm not sure I ever can.  As I watch her prance (as she calls it) through the kitchen with a smile and energy that I haven't seen in probably a year, I am hopeful for her future.  School starts soon and she's ready to go back.  I want her to thrive this year and take advantage of everything good that is coming her way... new classes, new friendships, new interests.  Its such a magical time in a kid's life and I want her to embrace her opportunities.  My heart wants to be happy for her, not sad.  My heart wants her to have more happiness than I could ever dream for her.  Maybe one day I'll have my meltdown.  Maybe one day the tears will come and I will feel refreshed and get in touch with my emotions.  I don't know.  I'm still waiting for the meltdown from when she had a febrile seizure at age 2.  For now I choose to be thankful and happy that today is a good day.  (Ok, its only 10am but so far.... )  I'm thankful and happy that Kayla prances with a smile.  I'm thankful and happy she has found a new love for the vacuum cleaner - cleaned her room twice in one week!  I'm thankful and happy that our biggest worry right now is that the cable is out.

The dishes are calling and the laundry is waiting to be folded.  I also must go take a Facebook quiz to find out what my Old Person Name should be.  Life goes on. 

Crying

I've always been a very relational, emotional person.  My friends say if I were a Care Bear I'd be Tenderheart Bear.  When I was little I could burst into tears at the drop of a hat.  I've been known to tear up at a Hallmark commercial, a sappy TV show, or a sad song on the radio.  I cried the day I heard Marvin Gaye died.  I was a teenager and wasn't really a huge Marvin Gaye fan but hearing that his dad shot him brought me to blubbering ugly cry tears.  Crying has just been a part of my life.

Which brings me to a problem I'm having.   I can't cry.  I'm on a couple of different medications and maybe they are the culprits.   I don't know.  What I do know is that for the last few months, no matter what the situation, I just can't cry.  I'm not saying its a bad thing necessarily but its awkward when you are in a room full of women who just heard some really sad or inspiring story and the tears are rolling down their faces while you sit there with eyes dry as the desert.

I've had a rough couple of years and did plenty of crying during that time.  I had to be strong for my girls and tried very hard not to cry in front of them.  Things have leveled out and most days are good and maybe its silly to complain about not crying.   However my preschooler graduates this week.  The other moms are already talking about what an emotional mess they are while I sit here feeling pretty level headed.  It would be nice to work up a tear or two for the ceremony.  She's been at the same school since she was a baby.  I worked there for two years.  We have no excuse to go back after Friday.  Its the end of an era.   I feel all of it.  I'm sad that her days there are ending.  Its been a wonderful journey.   But nope, not a single tear working up as I sit here and type it all out.   Its crazy.  

I had the opposite problem 6 months ago.  I couldn't laugh out loud.  The girls would say something funny and say "laugh Mama! that was funny!" and I'd think I AM laughing.   But there was no smile on my face and no sound coming out of my mouth.  I was laughing on the inside but I couldn't get it to come out.   I laugh all the time now.  I have no problem finding the joy in life.  Its like I've gone from one extreme to the other.  

So there ya go.  If you see me out in some situation that is obviously emotional to all involved, please don't think me cold hearted or unfeeling.   The emotions are there. They are just still bottled up.   I've prayed to God to let something touch me enough to bring tears... happy or sad.  I'm glad I've found my joy.  But a balance would be nice. .  My heart is teary eyed.   My body just isn't cooperating.