Feelings, whoaaaaaa, Feeelings....

I've been avoiding this post.  I've been staring at Facebook, doing dishes, laundry, watching mindless TV... whatever it took to not have to post this.  Even now I'm not sure it will be successful.  If you haven't been keeping up, click here.   After I emailed a friend the story he replied with "I can only imagine how you and Don must have felt throughout the whole experience."  Felt?  I was much too busy doing to feel.  I had to watch over my daughter and make sure she was getting all the help she needed.  I had to make sure she was not in pain.  I had to make sure she was resting.  I had to inform everyone else about what was going on... there were Facebook posts to reply to and text messages and phone calls.  There was no time to feel.  I was in Mama Lion mode.  I had to have the brave face and not let on to Kayla just how scared I would have been if I had given myself time to think about it.  Even now I'm not sure I want to go there.  Or that I can go there.   Everyone asks me how I am and I smile and say I'm fine.  We are taking it day by day.  The meds are working.  The blood clot has dissolved.  All is well.  Really.  Every now and then when I'm telling the story I can feel the emotions creeping up but just as the eyes start to water, I push it back down.  I'd be silly to fall apart now... three months out from everything that happened.

The truth is, we almost lost her.  But my heart can't go there.  My brain knows it.  I know the severity of everything we dealt with.  I know blood transfusions aren't just normal everyday procedures.  I know she was severely malnourished and her vital organs could have been permanently damaged.  I know Dr. Cross said we were lucky we came to the hospital when we did.  I know Dr. Mike was trying to tell me with his eyes how quickly things could turn for the worse when we discovered the blood clot.  I know he was trying to speak the truth without speaking the whole truth when he told me to be prepared for her to end up in ICU if the blood thinners and the Ulcerative Colitis worked against each other as they feared.  I will never forget the look in his eyes.  I know my heart jumped when he said "St. Jude".  I know my heart broke when Kayla woke up from the scope and said "Are they sure its not cancer?".   I know things were serious.  I know things could potentially be serious again someday down the road if the meds don't work.  I know another piece of my heart broke when she said "I didn't know how badly I felt until I felt better.  Its been probably two years since I've felt this good".  That means half of her teenage years.  Half.  My brain knows that.

My heart knows it too.  I'm just not ready to go there.  I'm not sure I ever can.  As I watch her prance (as she calls it) through the kitchen with a smile and energy that I haven't seen in probably a year, I am hopeful for her future.  School starts soon and she's ready to go back.  I want her to thrive this year and take advantage of everything good that is coming her way... new classes, new friendships, new interests.  Its such a magical time in a kid's life and I want her to embrace her opportunities.  My heart wants to be happy for her, not sad.  My heart wants her to have more happiness than I could ever dream for her.  Maybe one day I'll have my meltdown.  Maybe one day the tears will come and I will feel refreshed and get in touch with my emotions.  I don't know.  I'm still waiting for the meltdown from when she had a febrile seizure at age 2.  For now I choose to be thankful and happy that today is a good day.  (Ok, its only 10am but so far.... )  I'm thankful and happy that Kayla prances with a smile.  I'm thankful and happy she has found a new love for the vacuum cleaner - cleaned her room twice in one week!  I'm thankful and happy that our biggest worry right now is that the cable is out.

The dishes are calling and the laundry is waiting to be folded.  I also must go take a Facebook quiz to find out what my Old Person Name should be.  Life goes on. 

What I Know Now

I'm reading a book by women who are writing letters to their younger selves. So far this is my favorite quote - "When juggling as much as you are, remember some balls are glass, some are rubber. You can't drop the glass balls. Also, learn to put blinders on about certain things. Laundry will wait very patiently." - Nora Roberts. What would YOU tell your younger self?

First and foremost I think I would tell myself that it doesn't matter if you don't fit into a certain group.  Cliques are overrated.  Make friends with everyone because one day you will still be friends with everyone.

That D you got in Algebra doesn't really matter in the long run.

Live on your own before you live with someone else.  And for goodness sake make sure that person lives on their own too!

Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're stupid or inferior or that your feelings don't matter.  Stand up for yourself and know that you deserve so much better.   Find the guy that will be your partner, not your dictator.

Don't ever regret what happens in life, good or bad.  Every moment will shape your thoughts, your emotions, your relationships.   You will end up wise and confident.

Be spontaneous.  Spontaneity will take you on great adventures and help you meet great people!

Don't stress too much about motherhood.  Love your children the way you've always loved everyone in your life and they will turn out ok.  You'll have your battles, especially with your oldest but keep in mind that her spunk will help her be a strong independent woman one day.

Most of all, be kind to yourself.   Take time for fun.  Take pictures.  Write.  Do the things you love.  Laundry really will wait for you.  

Teenage Daughters

I absolutely HATE being the mom of a teenage daughter.  I thought it would be loads of fun but really???  Every time I drive her to school I manage to piss her off and then she gets out of the car all mad and I worry the rest of the day about her.  UGH.   As a disclaimer, I was the perfect child.  Seriously.  I didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, or even swear.  I respected my parents and did my homework.  I had a busy social life but I didn't even know there were parties going on... seriously!   I don't expect Kayla to be perfect.  I don't expect for her to be me by any means.  I just don't know how to handle the rebellion.  It nothing really.... she just has a couple of friends I don't like and she plays on her phone / itouch at times that she shouldn't.   And she disappears after school and we don't see her until she comes out to say goodnight.  I'm doing my damnedest to stop that habit.   And I know its normal.  She's 14.  She needs space and privacy and all of that.  But how much is too much and when do I speak up?  When do I worry?  I just want for her to make it though high school alive and with a good head on her shoulders.  Its hard work raising a kid.  Really hard.   I remember holding her when she was a baby and thinking of all the things I was going to have to teach her and wondering how the hell I was supposed to do that.  And now she's 14 and there is still so much to teach her.   Its terrifying really.

Teenage Daughters - Martina McBride

I ain’t complainin’
But I’m tired, so I’m just sayin’
What I think
And if we’re being honest
Than honestly I think I need a drink
My baby’s growin’ up
She think’s she’s fallin’ all in love
And that I hate her
At seventeen, she’s just like me when I was seventeen
So I don’t blame her
[Bridge]
Do do do do
Do do do do
What are we gonna do?
Do do do do
Do do do do
What are we gonna do about it?
[Chorus]
Remember when we use to be
Everything they ever need
We had them believing we were cool
It’s like it happened over night
We’re always wrong, their always right
We use to be the one’s breakin’ the rules
Now we’re just mothers, we’re just fathers of
Teenage Daughters

She rolls her eye’s when I’m funny
But she’s sweet when she wants money and her freedom
Oh my god, she’s got a car
Swears they wont go far
And I wish I believed ‘em
[Bridge]
[Chorus]
Their beautiful, wild and free
Everything we wish we could be
But their still crazy
Oh you know, the make us crazy
[Chorus]
Yeah Teenage Daughters
I ain’t complainin’
But I’m just tired, so I’m sayin’
What I think
If we’re being honest
Than honestly, I think I need a drink
Martina McBride – Teenage Daughters Lyrics

My mom is...

My mom is June Cleaver
By the time I was old enough to remember things, she had put away the pearls but there are plenty of pictures of her in the 60's with the coiffed hair, pearls and a dress serving cake to 10 kids in party hats at a fabulous home birthday party.  Oh we had fabulous home birthday parties in the 70's too, just sans pearls.  She is the mom who kissed our boo-boos and could make our problems go away with just a simple kind word and a hug.  She is The Sweetest Mom Ever.

My mom is Marion Cunningham
Her house is always spotless and if anyone stops by unexpectedly she magically appears in the kitchen doorway with glasses of iced tea and cookies.  She always has sound advice (whether we acknowledge that at the time or not) and makes witty comments without even realizing it.  She had the house all the kids wanted to hang out at and all my friends called her Mom (or Disco Peg - she and the Fonz would have been able to cut quite a rug back in the day).  She is the Mom Every Kid Wants.

My mom is Elyse Keaton -
She somehow managed to juggle the lives of three kids, work a full time job, and still get the laundry done.  I have yet to figure out her secret.  She has the most compassionate heart of anyone I've ever met.  She loves her family with her entire being and will not hesitate to put us in our place or defend us fiercely, whichever we need most at the time.  She is my Mama Lion.  

My mom is Nora Walker -
She had a difficult relationship with her mom yet somehow turned that around with our family and managed to be the one we can't live without.  Motherhood is her career. Our joy is her joy.  Our pain is her pain.  She offers advice, solicited or not and most of the time she's spot on.  She is the Matriarch... the one we all turn to.  There are pictures of us all over her house - the most fabulous moments captured on Kodak paper.  She does holidays like no one else can.  She is the Super Glue of our family. 

My mom is Lorelei Gilmore -
Although not technically a single mom, she may as well have been.  My dad never learned the warm fuzzy side of life despite her best efforts.  My favorite memories are those of us making midnight runs to MegaMarket to buy cookie dough and coming home with some of the silliest gadgets (my favorite being the bag opener which was essentially a razor blade you stick on the fridge - we opened everything that could possible be opened that night with one quick swipe, laughing hysterically).   We love movies and late night chats.  We can spend hours in a Hallmark store reading cards and laughing loud enough that the whole store laughs at us.  We go to concerts, we shop, we have Oscar parties, complete with silly costumes and a red carpet lining the front hallway.  There is rarely a day that we don't talk at least twice on the phone (most days even more).   She looks at me like I am a living piece of her heart. We are carbon copies of one another.   She is my Best Friend.

 She is beautiful.  She is strong.  She is devoted.  She is supportive.  She is ditzy (just keeping is real, Mom) yet a genius. I think the blonde moments are all an act.  She is selfless.  She is constant.  She is giving.  She is understanding.  She is charming.  She is inventive.  She is my mentor.  She is nurturing.  She is forgiving.  She is kind.  She has been a mom most of her life and not just to the three of us.  She has touched so many lives with her unconditional love  (can I get an Amen?).

My mom taught me how to walk, how to talk, how to be a friend, how to keep a friend.  My mom taught me my ABC's and encouraged me to read.  My relationship with my mom has shaped every other relationship in my life.  She taught me how to laugh and how to clean my bedroom.  She taught me about Elvis, the Beach Boys, and rock n roll.   She taught me about appreciating others.   She taught me about make-up and fashion.  She did not teach me how to drive (keeping it real Mom... ).  

My mom is tool cool for words.  My mom is an original.  My mom is the most loving person on this planet.   My mom is the one who taught me the greatest lesson in life - how to love. 

My mom is Mine. 
Happy Mother's Day Mom... "I love you" just isn't enough.

Mother-Daughter Music

I came up with this great idea to make a cd for my mom for Mother’s Day.   I had a blast googling songs about mothers and daughters and motherhood in general.  Did you know the Spice Girls had a Mom song?  It didn’t make the cd cut.  Neither did Boyz 2 Men or Tupac.   But it was nice to know they all loved their mamas enough to write a song.   Here’s my final playlist.   Maybe I’ll elaborate about some of them in later posts.

In My Life from the Providence soundtrack (not the Beatles version… Providence was “our” show)
Thanks to You – Tyler Collins (never heard before my Google search but great song)
Kind and Generous by Natalie Merchant (because she is kind and generous)
The Perfect Fan – Backstreet Boys (what can I say, its a sweet song)
Butterfly Fly Away – Miley Cyrus  (speaks to me in not only a mom way but also as the daughter)
You’re Gonna Be - Reba McEntire  (all about the hopes and dreams a mama has for her baby)
Ride- Martina McBride (because we all should ride)
Somebody’s Hero – Jamie O’Neal (because my mom is my hero of course!)
Slipping Through My Fingers – ABBA (go find my previous post about this one.. sniff sniff)
Baby Don’t You Cry (The Pie Song) from the Waitress soundtrack (perfect lullaby)
Angels – Randy Travis  (another I’d never heard before my search)
Thank You Mom – Good Charlotte (always and forever)
In My Daughter’s Eyes – Martina McBride (duh)
Ready Set Don’t Go – Billy Cyrus & Miley Cyrus  (another tearjerker – we’re sappy people)
Don’t Forget to Remember Me – Carrie Underwood
Pray for You – Sara Evans (lots of country mama songs out there)
You Can’t Lose Me – Faith Hill
The Best Day – Taylor Swift  (makes me all happy, brings back memories, and makes me sad at the same time)

I printed out all the lyrics so she’d have them to look at as she listened to the CD.  Took me hours but I know it wasn’t time wasted.    She’ll cherish it for a long time to come.  Question is, how do I top that next year??