Serenity

During the time Kayla was hospitalized, I looked up the Serenity Prayer that we are all familiar with.  You know, the one usually associated with AA and other recovery groups.  I was surprised to see there is more to the prayer than just that first verse.  The whole thing goes like this…  

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

I kept that prayer loaded on my phone as Kayla recovered and it has become almost the perfect prayer to me.  There was so much that happened that was just out of my control and I had no choice but to surrender it.  I recently used it in a talk I gave at a spiritual retreat and found myself saying the words in my head when I felt overwhelmed by the things happening that weekend.  You see I was the time keeper and was responsible for keeping everything on schedule.  Those who know me know that being prompt is just not my thing.  The prayer helped me remember that as a human I can only do so much.  There will be trials, tragedy, and things that are just beyond my realm of understanding.   God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.  Trusting Him is a lifetime struggle for a lot of us but the peace that comes with that trust is like nothing else you've ever experienced.  Try it for just one day and see how it goes.  It might be enough to make you want to try it again the next day.  

Feelings, whoaaaaaa, Feeelings....

I've been avoiding this post.  I've been staring at Facebook, doing dishes, laundry, watching mindless TV... whatever it took to not have to post this.  Even now I'm not sure it will be successful.  If you haven't been keeping up, click here.   After I emailed a friend the story he replied with "I can only imagine how you and Don must have felt throughout the whole experience."  Felt?  I was much too busy doing to feel.  I had to watch over my daughter and make sure she was getting all the help she needed.  I had to make sure she was not in pain.  I had to make sure she was resting.  I had to inform everyone else about what was going on... there were Facebook posts to reply to and text messages and phone calls.  There was no time to feel.  I was in Mama Lion mode.  I had to have the brave face and not let on to Kayla just how scared I would have been if I had given myself time to think about it.  Even now I'm not sure I want to go there.  Or that I can go there.   Everyone asks me how I am and I smile and say I'm fine.  We are taking it day by day.  The meds are working.  The blood clot has dissolved.  All is well.  Really.  Every now and then when I'm telling the story I can feel the emotions creeping up but just as the eyes start to water, I push it back down.  I'd be silly to fall apart now... three months out from everything that happened.

The truth is, we almost lost her.  But my heart can't go there.  My brain knows it.  I know the severity of everything we dealt with.  I know blood transfusions aren't just normal everyday procedures.  I know she was severely malnourished and her vital organs could have been permanently damaged.  I know Dr. Cross said we were lucky we came to the hospital when we did.  I know Dr. Mike was trying to tell me with his eyes how quickly things could turn for the worse when we discovered the blood clot.  I know he was trying to speak the truth without speaking the whole truth when he told me to be prepared for her to end up in ICU if the blood thinners and the Ulcerative Colitis worked against each other as they feared.  I will never forget the look in his eyes.  I know my heart jumped when he said "St. Jude".  I know my heart broke when Kayla woke up from the scope and said "Are they sure its not cancer?".   I know things were serious.  I know things could potentially be serious again someday down the road if the meds don't work.  I know another piece of my heart broke when she said "I didn't know how badly I felt until I felt better.  Its been probably two years since I've felt this good".  That means half of her teenage years.  Half.  My brain knows that.

My heart knows it too.  I'm just not ready to go there.  I'm not sure I ever can.  As I watch her prance (as she calls it) through the kitchen with a smile and energy that I haven't seen in probably a year, I am hopeful for her future.  School starts soon and she's ready to go back.  I want her to thrive this year and take advantage of everything good that is coming her way... new classes, new friendships, new interests.  Its such a magical time in a kid's life and I want her to embrace her opportunities.  My heart wants to be happy for her, not sad.  My heart wants her to have more happiness than I could ever dream for her.  Maybe one day I'll have my meltdown.  Maybe one day the tears will come and I will feel refreshed and get in touch with my emotions.  I don't know.  I'm still waiting for the meltdown from when she had a febrile seizure at age 2.  For now I choose to be thankful and happy that today is a good day.  (Ok, its only 10am but so far.... )  I'm thankful and happy that Kayla prances with a smile.  I'm thankful and happy she has found a new love for the vacuum cleaner - cleaned her room twice in one week!  I'm thankful and happy that our biggest worry right now is that the cable is out.

The dishes are calling and the laundry is waiting to be folded.  I also must go take a Facebook quiz to find out what my Old Person Name should be.  Life goes on. 

A Question of Faith

I was born a "Believer".  Sure my parents taught me,  molded me and took me to church but I'm pretty sure there has not been one day in my life where I was not absolutely positive I am a creation of the Almighty God.  Even as a teenager, in the midst of teen drama and heartache, God was always there with me.  Even as an adult when my first marriage failed and I was left a single mother, not quite sure what my next step would be, God was with me.  Even in 2007 when my husband was transferred to St. Louis (the girls were 9 and 2), I was battling thyroid disease, our church was falling apart, and the housing market was crashing, God was right there with me.  I never had a doubt. 

Imagine my surprise then when my 16 year old told me she has decided there might not be a God.  I was shocked.  I responded exactly as all the blogs and experts tell you not to.  "Don't Panic", they say.  I wondered what went wrong.... should I have made her go to church more regularly?  Should I have insisted on Youth Group even though she felt uncomfortable there?  How did I fail her as a parent, especially in the one category I tried so hard to make sure I mastered.  I fussed rather loudly, I questioned, and yes, made her feel terrible for trusting me enough to tell me.  It was a knee jerk reaction and one for which I am so deeply sorry. 

This kid of mine is so fascinating.  Her brain is filled with things I've never thought about.  She is a deep thinker and can argue anyone about anything she feels strongly about.  I on the other hand hate to argue for any reason, especially with her... she makes very valid points that are difficult to dispute with anything besides "because I'm the Mom, that's why!".  She is strong and sensitive at the same time.  She is a lover of music and animals.  She will love fiercely the people who love her but is guarded with her heart.  You are lucky to be in her circle for it is small and tight.  She is a dreamer and a realist.  She is my heart outside of my body.  That being said, I realize she is NOT me.  She has always lived to the beat of her own drum.  My daughter is one of the most independent, "high spirited", ok, strong willed, passionate people I have ever met.  She knows what she wants out of life and I truly believe nothing will stop her from achieving every goal she sets for herself.

Ironically, she is also my Miracle.  She is one of the things in life that solidified my belief in God.  You see, we tried for 2 1/2 years to have a baby.  Back then they weren't so quick to offer fertility treatments but that was our next step.  However in late September of 1997 I found out that I was 26 weeks, 5 days pregnant.  Yes, that's almost 7 months.  10 weeks later I was holding my beautiful baby girl.  I've always thought it was God's way of saying "ok my child, you've been patient, here is your baby".  Good thing patience is one of my strong suits because I've needed it every day since then!

I've had a few days to process all of this now and I know its going to be ok.  Not everyone is born a Believer.  Not everyone who believes keeps believing.  Not everyone who questions is a Non-Believer.  My husband was in his 30's before he became a Christian.  No my dear child, I have no physical proof I can give to you that there is a God and I know that is what you seek.  I'm not sure why I don't and never have required physical proof.  I realize I'm a rare breed.  And again, you are not me.  One of the hardest parts of being a parent is letting go enough to let your child discover their own beliefs and trust that you've done a good enough job that they aren't going to turn into a delinquent.  The other times I've had to do the letting go have been easier... stuff like letting you learn not to turn on your cell phone during school or letting you struggle in a relationship without butting in too much.  This one is hard for me and I hope you can respect that.  But I'm trying.  What I do want to say is keep asking questions.  Keep reading books and blogs, listening to friends, teachers, adults you trust.   Keep digging and exploring different faiths and beliefs.   You have a whole long life ahead of you and I trust that you will discover whatever it is your heart is supposed to discover.  I believe God has a plan for your life.  I will never stop praying for you.  I believe you are my living, breathing, feisty Miracle.   Even if you don't believe that right now or ever, I hope you will believe that your parents will ALWAYS believe in you!   We will always be here to talk, to listen, to hug, to console, to laugh with, to support you.  We will always love you UNCONDITIONALLY with arms wide open.  And one day, if you decide God might really be there after all, you'll see that His arms are wide open too. 

Nine

Nine years gone in a flash.  Nine years worth of hugs and smiles and giggles and imagination and words beyond her years.  Nine years of this piece of my heart walking around outside of my body.  Nine years full of an unimaginable amount of love.  Happy Birthday my girl! Love you high as the sky!!

Sweet 16

What a whirlwind!  How can you be 16?  We just spent last night in the rocking chair singing lullabies, didn't we???  What a beautiful, spunky, smart, silly young lady you have become!  I couldn't be prouder to be your Mama.  I love you high as the sky Always!

Sticks and Stones may Break my Bones....

Gracie got to wear orange to school today for their campaign to stop bullying. Her shirt had happy faces and peace signs on it and she said they were symbols to remind everyone to be peaceful so that the school could be a happy place. I love the way that kid's mind works.

Kids can be mean. All kids. I think they don't know what kind of hurt their words can bring to another person. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? BS! I grew up with a name that rhymes with Wetsy. I had coke bottle glasses from third grade til my sophomore year. I was horrible at group sports in gym and was always that last kid picked. Typical kid stuff, right? Have you ever seen me wear my glasses in public (even though I have really cute frames now)? There was a kid who signed my yearbook in 6th or 7th grade - "To a girl with thick glasses who bruises easily". I know he thought he was being funny but I've never forgotten his words or who wrote them. There was a girl I graduated with who spread a horrible rumor about my brother and I've never forgotten her either although I smiled and made pleasant conversation with her at our reunion. There was a kid at our bus stop who was the neighborhood bully. Saw her at the reunion too and she is a wonderful person now but that reputation never leaves you. I married a man who used words against me every day (no, NOT Don) - 15 years of my life... wouldn't wish it on anyone. Those incidents left scars. I'm sure you have scars of your own. We've all said things to people that were mean. I'm sure no one is completely innocent. I'm not sure anyone comes out unscathed.

Two great ways to teach your kids about how words hurt... crumple up a piece of paper and then tell them to straighten it back out. You can do the same with emptying a tube of toothpaste onto a paper plate and telling them to put it back in the tube. You can't straighten the paper out. The wrinkles are permanent as are the words you have said to someone. Its as impossible to put the toothpaste back in the tube as it is to take your words back.

Bullying is nothing new. Yes, there are new tools including the horrible things that happen on social media but kids have been mean to each other from the beginning of time. I'm glad the school is having an awareness day. However, it is up to us as adults and parents to teach the basics at home. Kindness matters. The Golden Rule is still Golden. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Period. At school, at the grocery store, at work, and by all means in your own home. We can lecture til we are blue in the face but kids learn by example. I'm not saying its easy. I'm just saying its possible. We can make the world a better place... one word at a time.

I have always taken my relationships to heart.  Be careful deciding to be my friend because once that connection is made, I'm all in.  This gets me in trouble sometimes but I don't regret it.  I'm not good at dealing with the ebb and flow of friendships and today is one of those days it has me down but I don't write this for pity.  I write so I can process thoughts and get them out of my head even if I can't make sense of them.  Nothing specific happened today to make me go down this road.  I work in a business that is all about relationships.  They intrigue me and sometimes I find myself analyzing how it all works.  People meet, they find a common denominator and strike up a conversation.  Sometimes those words turn into a true relationship and sometimes they are just a blip on the radar of passing strangers.  Its the true relationships that I struggle with.  Like I said, once I get to that point, I'm all in.  I have found that I am not the norm.  I often find myself chasing friendships and trying to save something that just isn't going to be saved in the end.  The most frustrating part is when a relationship wanes for no apparent reason.  I don't know when to give up... when to cut ties.  Maybe there are reasons but no one ever tells me because they don't want to hurt my feelings?  Walking away from the friendship with no answers is worse.  At least I could reconcile the feelings if I knew what happened.  Its funny because there are a couple of relationships I've had in the past that have rekindled and I was finally able to ask those questions and get the answers that have settled my heart.  Its hard to be a Tenderhearted Bear but its who I am.  I'm not ashamed of that.  I just wish I felt more understood sometimes.  And there are the rambly thoughts of my brain tonight.  I think I usually make more sense but tonight I just needed a clean canvas to spit up on.  Blech.