David Crowder Band - How He Loves (Official Music Video)

Nothing fills my heart with more joy than to hear my 5 year old sing this at the top of her lungs. OH HOW HE LOVES US!!!!

Crying

I've always been a very relational, emotional person.  My friends say if I were a Care Bear I'd be Tenderheart Bear.  When I was little I could burst into tears at the drop of a hat.  I've been known to tear up at a Hallmark commercial, a sappy TV show, or a sad song on the radio.  I cried the day I heard Marvin Gaye died.  I was a teenager and wasn't really a huge Marvin Gaye fan but hearing that his dad shot him brought me to blubbering ugly cry tears.  Crying has just been a part of my life.

Which brings me to a problem I'm having.   I can't cry.  I'm on a couple of different medications and maybe they are the culprits.   I don't know.  What I do know is that for the last few months, no matter what the situation, I just can't cry.  I'm not saying its a bad thing necessarily but its awkward when you are in a room full of women who just heard some really sad or inspiring story and the tears are rolling down their faces while you sit there with eyes dry as the desert.

I've had a rough couple of years and did plenty of crying during that time.  I had to be strong for my girls and tried very hard not to cry in front of them.  Things have leveled out and most days are good and maybe its silly to complain about not crying.   However my preschooler graduates this week.  The other moms are already talking about what an emotional mess they are while I sit here feeling pretty level headed.  It would be nice to work up a tear or two for the ceremony.  She's been at the same school since she was a baby.  I worked there for two years.  We have no excuse to go back after Friday.  Its the end of an era.   I feel all of it.  I'm sad that her days there are ending.  Its been a wonderful journey.   But nope, not a single tear working up as I sit here and type it all out.   Its crazy.  

I had the opposite problem 6 months ago.  I couldn't laugh out loud.  The girls would say something funny and say "laugh Mama! that was funny!" and I'd think I AM laughing.   But there was no smile on my face and no sound coming out of my mouth.  I was laughing on the inside but I couldn't get it to come out.   I laugh all the time now.  I have no problem finding the joy in life.  Its like I've gone from one extreme to the other.  

So there ya go.  If you see me out in some situation that is obviously emotional to all involved, please don't think me cold hearted or unfeeling.   The emotions are there. They are just still bottled up.   I've prayed to God to let something touch me enough to bring tears... happy or sad.  I'm glad I've found my joy.  But a balance would be nice. .  My heart is teary eyed.   My body just isn't cooperating.

Your Everything - Keith Urban

And on a much happier note, Don and I celebrated 7 years of wedded bliss on Monday.  We didn't buy each other a gift although we both considered anti itch cream / powder!  We went to see Date Night with Steve Carrell and Tina Fey (well, they weren't at the movie with us but that sure woulda been fun!).   It was a fun movie but had a bit too much potty humor for my taste.  I did however love the background story about how when you've been married for a while Date Night is something that becomes as routine as everything else.   Don and I don't get out much but when we do its dinner and maybe a movie if we think we can stay awake through it.   We have our standard restaurants and we aren't brilliant conversationalists when you put work and kids on the forbidden list.  Most times we leave the house by 6 and at 7 we're looking at the dinner check thinking "we can't go home yet... the babysitter will think we're lame!"   So, sometimes we wander around Target or Blockbuster or just drive aimlessly in an attempt to kill at least another hour.  But you know what?  I love just being with him whether we're sitting on the couch watching endless episodes of Law and Order or sitting in a desert watching paint dry... it doesn't matter.  He is My Everything.  He's my cook, my lawn guy, my personal driver, my comedian, my walking music encyclopedia, my dumb joke teller, my prince charming.   He's just a good guy.  And I think at the end of the day that's what every woman wants... just a Good Guy.  Sometimes I sit and think about how blessed I am to have him, even on the days when he calls to say he'll be home late because some last minute problem at work came up or when he comes home grumpy.   He has a twinkle in his eye that I know is just for me.   He loves our girls with a passion and wants to be a better dad even though he's already doing a great job.  He loves God and isn't afraid to say it out loud.   He's just a Good Guy.   We've had 7 years and I can only pray we are blessed with 50 more.   

This was our wedding song.  When it came time to choose one this was the choice we both made without knowing what the other was thinking.  To this day, he's still the "spark that lights me up".    All that I'd been dreaming of and more.

Your Everything - Keith Urban

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew
That I would do anything for you
The first time you touched my face I felt
Like I've never felt with anyone else

I wanna give back what you've givin' to me
And I wanna witness all of your dreams
Now that you've shown me who I really am
I wanna be more then just your man

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
And be the moon that moves your tide
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...

When you wake up, I'll be the first thing you see
And when it gets dark you can reach out for me
I'll cherish your words and I'll finish your thoughts
And I'll be your compass baby, when you get lost

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails
And be the hand that lifts your veil
And be the moon that moves your tide
The sun coming up in your eyes
Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...

Be the wheels that never rust
And be the spark that lights you up
All that you've been dreaming of and more
So much more, I wanna be your everything...
I wanna be your everything

What Makes You Stay - Deana Carter

As long as we're being melancholy,  this is one of my favorite "sad" songs.   Its from one of my all time favorite movies, Hope Floats.   Have you ever had one of those relationships where you just couldn't give up?  Where you knew you had just to just keep pushing through the pain and heartache in the hopes of something better?  And there is something about the smoothness of Deana Carter's voice.   The emotion just flows right through.

What is on your sad song list? 

What Makes You Stay - Deana Carter

Look at me
I'm in a place
I never thought I'd be

Don't have the strength
To fight anymore
Or a reason not to leave

So tell me why I still keep holding on
To something I just cannot see

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

I'm not afraid
Of living alone
I was alone before he came

I've been in love
Many times before
But this time's not the same

I've always been the first to say goodbye
Now it's the last thing I can do

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

When it goes this deep
And feels this strong
I can't convince myself
That this love is wrong

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

At This Moment - Billy Vera and the Beaters

I was at the grocery store this AM when this song came on the Musak.  I vividly remember watching "Family Ties" and feeling so bad for Alex as he was breaking up with his girlfriend.  I adored this song in high school.  Its the ultimate break up song.  Thank you Kroger for playing it and reminding me I need it in my iTunes collection.  I think we've all felt these feelings before and with respect to my ex husband, the song reminds me of him.  There's a lot I could say about that but some things are better left unsaid.  

What did you think
I would do at this moment
When you're standing before me
With tears in your eyes?
Trying to tell me that you
Have found you another
And you just don't love me no more

What did you think
I would say at this moment
When I'm faced with the knowledge
That you just don't love me
Did you think I would curse you?
Or say things to hurt you?
Cause you just don't love me no more

Did you think I could hate you?
Or raise my hands to you?
Now come on, you know me too well
How could I hurt you
When darling, I love you
And you know... I'd never hurt you

What do you think, I would give at this moment?
If you'd stay I'd subtract twenty-years from my life
I'd fall down on my knees
Kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again

I'd fall down on my knees
Kiss the ground that you walk on, baby
If I could just hold you...again

Of Love and Loss

(I've recently had a pretty bad bout of writer's block and apologize to my readers (all three of you!) for my absence. However, this post has been writing itself in my head for several days now and is about to come flooding out.  For the sake of keeping my readers and being respectful of your time I may break this post into a series.) 

Loss is a part of being human.  We lose friends, we lose jobs, we lose pets, we lose our memories.   We lose people to cancer, to angry words, to old age, to moves, to divorce, to just growing up, graduating high school, and moving into adult life.   With loss comes grief.  It doesn't matter what kind of loss you have, there will be a grieving process. 

I've been thinking about this subject a lot lately for a lot of different reasons.   Its almost summertime which means my oldest daughter will be going to California for several weeks.  Her travels always make me a bit melancholy in the sense that I "lose" two months of day to day life with her.  I usually fly with her on one end of the trip and its still hard sometimes to be around the family I lost in the divorce.   My ex mother in law does a wonderful job in trying to make me feel like I still fit in and I truly believe she still loves me "as another daughter" and always will.  I'm just the estranged daughter who can only talk about the weather and recent movies we both enjoyed before things get uncomfortable. 

My brother is about to move across the ocean to another country and although I know I'll see him again it won't be the same.  Text messages don't reach "across the pond".  We'll email and we'll Skype but London just seems so very far away and I'm sad about it.

I've been having very vivid dreams always involving a man who was my boss for most of my formative years.  I left the job in 2004 and I'm not sure why I'm having trouble with it now but there's Ed, every night in some form or fashion.  Sometimes he is my boss still, sometimes he's just in the dream hanging out and contributing witty banter.   Maybe its because most of my closer co-workers are on Facebook so we are still in contact but with Ed I only get a phone call or email once or twice a year.  I miss him.   That might sound strange since he was my superior but ultimately he became family.   He saw me through a new marriage, a house purchase, a new baby, a divorce, and eventually a wedding.  I saw his kids grow from toddlers to teenagers.  We have history and I miss him.

A very dear friend of mine recently moved to Singapore.  I'm not sure I'll ever see her again and that pains me.  Singapore has never been high on my travel list and I doubt she'll ever make it back to TN.

Most of the time when we think about loss, we think of death.   My first dealing with death that I remember was when my fraternal grandmother passed away.  I remember being woken up in the middle of the night and told that she had died and that my dad was going to Chicago for the funeral.   I had met her a couple of times but due to distance we weren't close.  My next experience was with my step-grandfather, Coach.   We got that phone call while watching the Miss USA Pagent... or was it Miss Universe?   What I remember from the funeral is the limousine.  I was about 10 and it was my first time to ride in one.    My maternal grandma passed away in 1993.  I was 22.  I saw her two days before she died and knew the time was near however promised her we'd "do lunch" just as soon as she felt better.   Her funeral was at a beautiful old Catholic Church in Downtown Memphis.   I remember the stairs, the incense, and singing "On Eagle's Wings".   I remember the coat my mom wore that day.  Most of all I remember seeing her in the casket in a sweater my mom had given to her.  I remember looking at her hands and thinking how much they resembled my mom's.

The next family loss hit me harder.  My dear grandpa, my Gramps, my telephone buddy, my travel partner, my friend.   He passed away in January 2004.   I remember every detail of the phone call at 3am, the next morning, the visit to the funeral home to plan the service and my insistence that yes, he really did want Vince Gill and Elvis to be played.  I remember the shock on my mom's face, the arrival of relatives, the laughter at the funeral home during the viewing (laughter?), the military funeral with full honors - the folding of the flag and presentation to my mom, his oldest child.  I remember the food afterwards that my new friends from my very new church family had been kind enough to deliver along with paper plates and plastic forks.   I still think about him every day.   I wish he could see my red headed baby.   I wish he could see my beautiful young "Karo" as he called her.  I wish he'd had the chance to get to know my husband better.  I wish he could give me his thoughts on Lady Gaga!  Its been 6 years and I'm still grieving my Gramps.   I smile when I think of him but there are days when I still tear up too.  There is no time limit on grief.   It is a process and everyone deals with it in their own way.

I think where I'm going here is that each loss is different and each person touched me in their own way.  My fraternal grandma left me with a lot of costume jewelry and a few personal handwritten letters I will always cherish.  Coach left me with a respect for sports, the handicapped (he lost both legs to cancer and was wheelchair bound) and a reminder that cigarettes kill.  My grandma left me with a love for poetry, a wonderful memory of making gingerbread houses, and a healthy fear of the alcoholism gene. And my Gramps left me with too much to post here.   The common denominator between all of them though was that they all loved me.  They all shared in my life and shaped who I am today and who I will become tomorrow.

Loss is one of the most difficult things we humans endure.   However when you look at the big picture, the reason that loss is so painful is because love is almost always involved.  It literally breaks our hearts when we lose people we love.  So how do we endure that heartache?   We take the love those people filled our hearts with and we pass it on to others.   That's what this life is about.  Its all about love.   The loss helps us appreciate the love.   The human body dies.   It will happen to everyone at some point.   Love though... love never dies.

Oh the weather outside is frightful!

Oh! the snow, the beautiful snow, Filling the sky and earth below, Over the housetops, over the street, Over the heads of the people you meet. Dancing, Flirting, Skimming along.



J.W. (Joseph Warren) Watson

Today we had our fourth or fifth snow "storm" of the winter... I've lost count.  Usually our city can count on one really good snowfall if we're lucky and by that I mean maybe two inches.  Today's snowfall wasn't much in the way of accumulation but it sure was pretty to watch.  I opened the blinds and watched in amazement as the snowfall got heavier and then dwindled down to flurries only to turn blizzardlike again minutes later. 

What is is about snow that makes us so giddy? *Disclaimer* I speak from the perspective of a Southerner.  I'm well aware that my friends in the North are way over the snow come December! 

I got to thinking today - what is it that makes snow such a beautiful occurrance?  What is it about snow that makes us bundle up our children and send them out to play even as its still falling?   Would you send your kid out in the pouring rain??  I know I certainly wouldn't but I don't hesitate to toss them out in the backyard in a blizzard so they can throw snowballs at the fence or attempt to build some sort of snow creature (during the last snowfall my little one tried to make a snow bear and was devastated when he fell over as she tried to put his eyes on).  

Snow is so... white.  So pure.  It makes the whole world (or at least the neighborhood) look clean and new.  It falls so silently even when it is falling furiously.  Every snowflake is unique and if you look closely enough you can see the truth in that on your glove or on the hood of the car.  Raindrops can't claim that uniqueness.  Rain is wet and yucky and sloppy.  Snow is magical. 

I have some friends who are already tired of those frozen crystals but I say "Let it Snow"!  Bring it on Mother Nature, bring it on!