A Picture is worth a Thousand Words

When I took this picture, it was the first time I thought I might really be able to take pictures for a living.   I still see that as my goal although it seems it will be a while.  I know nothing about starting a business let along nothing about shooting on manual.  I need to take a class but when am I supposed to do that?   Talk to me again when the kids are raised.  *sigh*

My love-hate relationship with Facebook

I have a ridiculous amount of Facebook friends.   At last count I was up to 819.   How on earth you ask can anyone keep up with 819 people???  Or why would anyone care to keep up with 819 people???   I've been thinking about that a lot and decided to go through my list and see if there was some deleting that needed to be done.   I got all the way to the G's before I quit.   Everyone from A-G is there for a very valid reason.   I have school friends, church friends, out of town friends, moms of my kids' friends' friends, work friends, and long lost friends.   Yes, I am the one who "friends" the person I haven't seen since preschool... hey, we had big plans to marry and honeymoon in Hawaii and at Disneyworld!  You can't just shove those childhood dreams to the wayside.   Ok, maybe you can.  But I choose to fondly remember.  And technically we were in third grade the last time we saw each other.  He and his family were on their way home from vacation and buzzed through our town for the day.   He and I had a beautiful candlelit spaghetti dinner and went to see Superman - yes, the original with Christopher Reeve.  And we may not have Hawaii or Disneyworld but at least we have Facebook.

I just had my 20 year class reunion last September so about 25% of my friends list is made up of old classmates.   Yes, that still leaves about 600 people I know from random walks of life.  What can I say?  My mom said I was born with a smile on my face.  I used to say I'm friends with everyone but no one in particular (meaning I was never in a clique... just kind of bounced around from group to group).  I've met a lot of people in 39 years and my friendships mean a lot to me.  If you have been a part of my life for some amount of time, chances are, you're one of my 819.  I love Facebook.  Facebook makes it easy to keep in touch, know when new babies come along, know when birthdays are (although I have to say I was pretty good with the birthday thing before the days of Facebook and I greatly miss snail mail birthday cards).  Facebook feeds our natural human need for acceptance, our need to fit in somewhere.   Yes, in some ways its just the easy way to feel in touch even though there might not be any personal interaction for months.  If I had to guess I'd say at least half and probably even a bigger percentage of my 819 aren't even active on Facebook.  They have profiles and occassionally someone tags them in a picture.   Oh and of course on their birthday their page lights up like the Fourth of July.   So why do I keep them on my list?   Just in case.   Maybe I'll have an important memory to share with them one day.   Maybe I'll have a picture to tag them in.

And that brings me to the hate part.  If I don't check two or three times a day I miss posts.   If I take a whole day off I could very well miss a birthday.   As you can imagine, with 819 friends, its someone's birthday most every day.  And oh the guilt when I see a "Thanks for all the birthday wishes" post and I haven't posted a wish.  Do I really think anyone notices that I personally did not post?  Probably not.   Do I think anyone is annoyed with me for not clicking "like" on the latest You Tube video they posted or the latest baby picture?  Nah.   Do I always post a greeting on someone's page when the Facebook gods suggest I reconnect?  No.  But do I check Facebook obsessively if I've updated my status to see who likes it?   You bet your bottom dollar I do!   Do I post pictures for the pure feedback I hope I'll get?   Of course!   And that my friends is why I hate Facebook - because it reminds me how much I need to be connected to others.   It reminds me how much I miss so many close relationships  - people I now only see through photos they are tagged in.  And it reminds me most of all that I'm just a mere human with a heart that needs to be loved, an ego that needs to be stroked, and a need to fit in somewhere.   I want to be liked.  I want to be remembered.   I want to make a mark on someone's life.   Every human does but its not easy to admit.   

To my 819, thank you for being a friend.

Crying Part Deux

I did it... I cried yesterday.  It wasn't a big long cleansing kind of cry but real tears fell from my eyes and it was a nice feeling although not for a nice reason.  I feel like I've begun to at least crack the shell a bit.  My oldest is visiting her dad for the summer in CA.  She's been gone for 2 weeks and still has 6 weeks until she comes home.   I was missing her like crazy yesterday and mustered up some tears.   Its important that she gets to spend this time with her dad and his family.  They go to ballgames and camp at the beach and she bonds with her cousins.  But, it kills me.  I'm used to her chattering 24/7 and driving her little sister crazy and opening the fridge every 30 minutes because she's STAAARVING!  Instead we have the same snacks in the fridge we had two weeks ago minus a yogurt or two.  The 5 year old is bored silly and making me play Littlest Pet Shop all the live long day.  Its been 100 degrees here for two weeks straight with a heat index of 105-110 so we can't even really just get outside and play.   And after the little one falls asleep there is just quiet in the house.   I need the sounds of Adam Lambert blasting from my daughter's room ... What Do You Want From Me.... over and over and over and OVER again.   There's not even any fight to listen to certain music in the car.  I know all too soon she'll be home and school will start and we'll be dragging ourselves out of bed at 5:30am and arguing about computer time at night but for now its all too peaceful and I don't like it one bit!

Why I Talk to Strangers

I sat next to a young woman on a plane last week but we didn't speak.   I'm one of those people who would love to hear your life story but I know not everyone feels that way.   When we landed in Dallas I had a text from my husband saying my flight home had been delayed.   I turned to the gal next to me and asked if she was staying in Dallas or moving on somewhere and she said she was going to Memphis.  I let her in on the bad news and next thing you know we're chatting like we're long lost friends.   We took the shuttle to the next terminal together and grabbed some dinner while killing time. She's expecting her first child so we chatted about babies and men and God and life choices in general.  By the time we checked into the gate, we were hoping we could get two seats together.  We politely begged the gate agent but that didn't work out.  I did give her my card and we are now Facebook friends.  I just wish we hadn't been so polite and respectful of each other's space on the first flight! It sure would have made that first flight a lot more fun!

Matt Redman - You Never Let Go (Passion '06)

This is my current ringtone. I'm not sure I'll ever change it. The song resonates in my head whenever I'm having a tough day.

David Crowder Band - How He Loves (Official Music Video)

Nothing fills my heart with more joy than to hear my 5 year old sing this at the top of her lungs. OH HOW HE LOVES US!!!!

Crying

I've always been a very relational, emotional person.  My friends say if I were a Care Bear I'd be Tenderheart Bear.  When I was little I could burst into tears at the drop of a hat.  I've been known to tear up at a Hallmark commercial, a sappy TV show, or a sad song on the radio.  I cried the day I heard Marvin Gaye died.  I was a teenager and wasn't really a huge Marvin Gaye fan but hearing that his dad shot him brought me to blubbering ugly cry tears.  Crying has just been a part of my life.

Which brings me to a problem I'm having.   I can't cry.  I'm on a couple of different medications and maybe they are the culprits.   I don't know.  What I do know is that for the last few months, no matter what the situation, I just can't cry.  I'm not saying its a bad thing necessarily but its awkward when you are in a room full of women who just heard some really sad or inspiring story and the tears are rolling down their faces while you sit there with eyes dry as the desert.

I've had a rough couple of years and did plenty of crying during that time.  I had to be strong for my girls and tried very hard not to cry in front of them.  Things have leveled out and most days are good and maybe its silly to complain about not crying.   However my preschooler graduates this week.  The other moms are already talking about what an emotional mess they are while I sit here feeling pretty level headed.  It would be nice to work up a tear or two for the ceremony.  She's been at the same school since she was a baby.  I worked there for two years.  We have no excuse to go back after Friday.  Its the end of an era.   I feel all of it.  I'm sad that her days there are ending.  Its been a wonderful journey.   But nope, not a single tear working up as I sit here and type it all out.   Its crazy.  

I had the opposite problem 6 months ago.  I couldn't laugh out loud.  The girls would say something funny and say "laugh Mama! that was funny!" and I'd think I AM laughing.   But there was no smile on my face and no sound coming out of my mouth.  I was laughing on the inside but I couldn't get it to come out.   I laugh all the time now.  I have no problem finding the joy in life.  Its like I've gone from one extreme to the other.  

So there ya go.  If you see me out in some situation that is obviously emotional to all involved, please don't think me cold hearted or unfeeling.   The emotions are there. They are just still bottled up.   I've prayed to God to let something touch me enough to bring tears... happy or sad.  I'm glad I've found my joy.  But a balance would be nice. .  My heart is teary eyed.   My body just isn't cooperating.