New Year's Eve - 2017

"In a dark time, the eye begins to see."- Theodore Roethke

Its funny how we humans think the turn of a calendar page will magically start things over... that we can wash our hands of the days behind and just keep marching forward. In a sense I guess that is true as every new day brings forth a new sunrise and 24 hours in which anything can happen. But there are also continual things that don't just stop because of a New Year's countdown. On Tuesday I will still have to deal with how to get a new car. On Tuesday Mike will still be gone. On Tuesday I will still have to deal with Things that You Don't Talk About on Facebook. In the same regard though, this year has taught me more than any other that every minute counts.... every word, every thought, every action. It all changes so fast.

Kayla said after the wreck that she thought it was a wake up call... not for us necessarily but maybe for the other driver. She didn't know how right she was but it wasn't for the other driver. It was for me. I've been in a fog this year .... a light fog at first but a very dense fog since we lost Mike. I know its the natural process of things and I know I still have a lot of work to do but Thursday's accident definitely started to lift that fog. When I think about the moment of impact and how different things might have been I shudder and praise God at the same time. There is zero doubt in my mind that angels surrounded our car and protected us from further impact. We were given a new chance to live life with clearer understanding of just how precious every moment is.

2017 hasn't been my favorite year for a lot of reasons and turning the calendar tomorrow will not fix all of those things. However my very wise friend Georgia said this when posting about the ice on her lake -

"Perhaps God is saying -Go paint something marvelous , beautiful and glowing with your life today .

Or perhaps it’s a gentle reminder to take a moment of Peace with Him - thaw out and let His light fill your soul .

Or perhaps He’s saying it’s ok to be frozen in life at moments because with every cold snap of life there is
a “just around the corner” -warming of the Son, and soon clarity in the thaw will surface....

Or perhaps it’s just frozen water on a little random lake , on a awkwardly cold day in December -
.... I don’t think so!"

She posted this the morning after our accident. I realized I've been in a frozen state... scared to see what a new day could bring, scared to let myself be close to anyone anymore, scared to put words on paper because words make the tears flow... scared to let God put His arms around me and let me just be.

But after Thursday I'm starting to feel the thaw... the warming of the Son. I'm not on this Earth to stay frozen and stagnant. I've always been told I have a light in me that other people see but I'm afraid I've been hiding that in my own self pity and grief and for that I am truly sorry. I've had friends and family reach out and every gesture has meant the world to me but I'm also realizing I've been my own worst enemy. I was in survival mode. I literally just put one foot forward and took life as it came but I missed out on the joy EVERY SINGLE DAY has the potential to bring. I'm not saying my grief process is over by any means... and there may be days where I feel the need to be in my cave again. BUT tomorrow IS a new year... a new start full of new adventures and new hopes and new goals.

My promise is that I will wake up with HOPE in my heart. That I will choose to focus on the JOY in each moment. That I will let FEAR take a backseat to COURAGE AND STRENGTH. And that I will continue to sit in the LIGHT of the SON and let Him thaw my spirit until it SHINES again.