I've been avoiding this post. I've been staring at Facebook, doing dishes, laundry, watching mindless TV... whatever it took to not have to post this. Even now I'm not sure it will be successful. If you haven't been keeping up, click here. After I emailed a friend the story he replied with "I can only imagine how you and Don must have felt throughout the whole experience." Felt? I was much too busy doing to feel. I had to watch over my daughter and make sure she was getting all the help she needed. I had to make sure she was not in pain. I had to make sure she was resting. I had to inform everyone else about what was going on... there were Facebook posts to reply to and text messages and phone calls. There was no time to feel. I was in Mama Lion mode. I had to have the brave face and not let on to Kayla just how scared I would have been if I had given myself time to think about it. Even now I'm not sure I want to go there. Or that I can go there. Everyone asks me how I am and I smile and say I'm fine. We are taking it day by day. The meds are working. The blood clot has dissolved. All is well. Really. Every now and then when I'm telling the story I can feel the emotions creeping up but just as the eyes start to water, I push it back down. I'd be silly to fall apart now... three months out from everything that happened.
The truth is, we almost lost her. But my heart can't go there. My brain knows it. I know the severity of everything we dealt with. I know blood transfusions aren't just normal everyday procedures. I know she was severely malnourished and her vital organs could have been permanently damaged. I know Dr. Cross said we were lucky we came to the hospital when we did. I know Dr. Mike was trying to tell me with his eyes how quickly things could turn for the worse when we discovered the blood clot. I know he was trying to speak the truth without speaking the whole truth when he told me to be prepared for her to end up in ICU if the blood thinners and the Ulcerative Colitis worked against each other as they feared. I will never forget the look in his eyes. I know my heart jumped when he said "St. Jude". I know my heart broke when Kayla woke up from the scope and said "Are they sure its not cancer?". I know things were serious. I know things could potentially be serious again someday down the road if the meds don't work. I know another piece of my heart broke when she said "I didn't know how badly I felt until I felt better. Its been probably two years since I've felt this good". That means half of her teenage years. Half. My brain knows that.
My heart knows it too. I'm just not ready to go there. I'm not sure I ever can. As I watch her prance (as she calls it) through the kitchen with a smile and energy that I haven't seen in probably a year, I am hopeful for her future. School starts soon and she's ready to go back. I want her to thrive this year and take advantage of everything good that is coming her way... new classes, new friendships, new interests. Its such a magical time in a kid's life and I want her to embrace her opportunities. My heart wants to be happy for her, not sad. My heart wants her to have more happiness than I could ever dream for her. Maybe one day I'll have my meltdown. Maybe one day the tears will come and I will feel refreshed and get in touch with my emotions. I don't know. I'm still waiting for the meltdown from when she had a febrile seizure at age 2. For now I choose to be thankful and happy that today is a good day. (Ok, its only 10am but so far.... ) I'm thankful and happy that Kayla prances with a smile. I'm thankful and happy she has found a new love for the vacuum cleaner - cleaned her room twice in one week! I'm thankful and happy that our biggest worry right now is that the cable is out.
The dishes are calling and the laundry is waiting to be folded. I also must go take a Facebook quiz to find out what my Old Person Name should be. Life goes on.
Showing posts with label parenthood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenthood. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
A Question of Faith
I was born a "Believer". Sure my parents taught me, molded me and took me to church but I'm pretty sure there has not been one day in my life where I was not absolutely positive I am a creation of the Almighty God. Even as a teenager, in the midst of teen drama and heartache, God was always there with me. Even as an adult when my first marriage failed and I was left a single mother, not quite sure what my next step would be, God was with me. Even in 2007 when my husband was transferred to St. Louis (the girls were 9 and 2), I was battling thyroid disease, our church was falling apart, and the housing market was crashing, God was right there with me. I never had a doubt.
Imagine my surprise then when my 16 year old told me she has decided there might not be a God. I was shocked. I responded exactly as all the blogs and experts tell you not to. "Don't Panic", they say. I wondered what went wrong.... should I have made her go to church more regularly? Should I have insisted on Youth Group even though she felt uncomfortable there? How did I fail her as a parent, especially in the one category I tried so hard to make sure I mastered. I fussed rather loudly, I questioned, and yes, made her feel terrible for trusting me enough to tell me. It was a knee jerk reaction and one for which I am so deeply sorry.
This kid of mine is so fascinating. Her brain is filled with things I've never thought about. She is a deep thinker and can argue anyone about anything she feels strongly about. I on the other hand hate to argue for any reason, especially with her... she makes very valid points that are difficult to dispute with anything besides "because I'm the Mom, that's why!". She is strong and sensitive at the same time. She is a lover of music and animals. She will love fiercely the people who love her but is guarded with her heart. You are lucky to be in her circle for it is small and tight. She is a dreamer and a realist. She is my heart outside of my body. That being said, I realize she is NOT me. She has always lived to the beat of her own drum. My daughter is one of the most independent, "high spirited", ok, strong willed, passionate people I have ever met. She knows what she wants out of life and I truly believe nothing will stop her from achieving every goal she sets for herself.
Ironically, she is also my Miracle. She is one of the things in life that solidified my belief in God. You see, we tried for 2 1/2 years to have a baby. Back then they weren't so quick to offer fertility treatments but that was our next step. However in late September of 1997 I found out that I was 26 weeks, 5 days pregnant. Yes, that's almost 7 months. 10 weeks later I was holding my beautiful baby girl. I've always thought it was God's way of saying "ok my child, you've been patient, here is your baby". Good thing patience is one of my strong suits because I've needed it every day since then!
I've had a few days to process all of this now and I know its going to be ok. Not everyone is born a Believer. Not everyone who believes keeps believing. Not everyone who questions is a Non-Believer. My husband was in his 30's before he became a Christian. No my dear child, I have no physical proof I can give to you that there is a God and I know that is what you seek. I'm not sure why I don't and never have required physical proof. I realize I'm a rare breed. And again, you are not me. One of the hardest parts of being a parent is letting go enough to let your child discover their own beliefs and trust that you've done a good enough job that they aren't going to turn into a delinquent. The other times I've had to do the letting go have been easier... stuff like letting you learn not to turn on your cell phone during school or letting you struggle in a relationship without butting in too much. This one is hard for me and I hope you can respect that. But I'm trying. What I do want to say is keep asking questions. Keep reading books and blogs, listening to friends, teachers, adults you trust. Keep digging and exploring different faiths and beliefs. You have a whole long life ahead of you and I trust that you will discover whatever it is your heart is supposed to discover. I believe God has a plan for your life. I will never stop praying for you. I believe you are my living, breathing, feisty Miracle. Even if you don't believe that right now or ever, I hope you will believe that your parents will ALWAYS believe in you! We will always be here to talk, to listen, to hug, to console, to laugh with, to support you. We will always love you UNCONDITIONALLY with arms wide open. And one day, if you decide God might really be there after all, you'll see that His arms are wide open too.
Imagine my surprise then when my 16 year old told me she has decided there might not be a God. I was shocked. I responded exactly as all the blogs and experts tell you not to. "Don't Panic", they say. I wondered what went wrong.... should I have made her go to church more regularly? Should I have insisted on Youth Group even though she felt uncomfortable there? How did I fail her as a parent, especially in the one category I tried so hard to make sure I mastered. I fussed rather loudly, I questioned, and yes, made her feel terrible for trusting me enough to tell me. It was a knee jerk reaction and one for which I am so deeply sorry.
This kid of mine is so fascinating. Her brain is filled with things I've never thought about. She is a deep thinker and can argue anyone about anything she feels strongly about. I on the other hand hate to argue for any reason, especially with her... she makes very valid points that are difficult to dispute with anything besides "because I'm the Mom, that's why!". She is strong and sensitive at the same time. She is a lover of music and animals. She will love fiercely the people who love her but is guarded with her heart. You are lucky to be in her circle for it is small and tight. She is a dreamer and a realist. She is my heart outside of my body. That being said, I realize she is NOT me. She has always lived to the beat of her own drum. My daughter is one of the most independent, "high spirited", ok, strong willed, passionate people I have ever met. She knows what she wants out of life and I truly believe nothing will stop her from achieving every goal she sets for herself.
Ironically, she is also my Miracle. She is one of the things in life that solidified my belief in God. You see, we tried for 2 1/2 years to have a baby. Back then they weren't so quick to offer fertility treatments but that was our next step. However in late September of 1997 I found out that I was 26 weeks, 5 days pregnant. Yes, that's almost 7 months. 10 weeks later I was holding my beautiful baby girl. I've always thought it was God's way of saying "ok my child, you've been patient, here is your baby". Good thing patience is one of my strong suits because I've needed it every day since then!
I've had a few days to process all of this now and I know its going to be ok. Not everyone is born a Believer. Not everyone who believes keeps believing. Not everyone who questions is a Non-Believer. My husband was in his 30's before he became a Christian. No my dear child, I have no physical proof I can give to you that there is a God and I know that is what you seek. I'm not sure why I don't and never have required physical proof. I realize I'm a rare breed. And again, you are not me. One of the hardest parts of being a parent is letting go enough to let your child discover their own beliefs and trust that you've done a good enough job that they aren't going to turn into a delinquent. The other times I've had to do the letting go have been easier... stuff like letting you learn not to turn on your cell phone during school or letting you struggle in a relationship without butting in too much. This one is hard for me and I hope you can respect that. But I'm trying. What I do want to say is keep asking questions. Keep reading books and blogs, listening to friends, teachers, adults you trust. Keep digging and exploring different faiths and beliefs. You have a whole long life ahead of you and I trust that you will discover whatever it is your heart is supposed to discover. I believe God has a plan for your life. I will never stop praying for you. I believe you are my living, breathing, feisty Miracle. Even if you don't believe that right now or ever, I hope you will believe that your parents will ALWAYS believe in you! We will always be here to talk, to listen, to hug, to console, to laugh with, to support you. We will always love you UNCONDITIONALLY with arms wide open. And one day, if you decide God might really be there after all, you'll see that His arms are wide open too.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Slipping thru my fingers
I went to see Mamma Mia last night with a bunch of girlfriends. My mom had wanted to go with us as well but it just didn’t work out. She kept telling me I’d wish she were there due to the mother daughter wedding scenes. She was right. When Donna was helping Sophie get ready for the wedding and started to sing Slipping Through My Fingers, tears flooded my eyes. I saw myself 20 (15?) years from now with my own daughters at their weddings. I thought about how quickly this summer has passed and all of the things we meant to do together but didn’t. I thought about my 10 year old and how quickly those 10 years have flown by. How quickly will the next 10 fly? How quickly will that be me and her sitting in some room getting her ready for her own nuptuals?
Then I thought of my mom and saw life for just a minute from her perspective. How quickly I must have grown up right in front of her eyes. How often she must have wanted to freeze the picture. I will be leaving home soon. I’ve already left her house but not too far down the road I’ll be leaving the city I’ve lived in the majority of my life. I’ll be leaving the security of having my mom not more than 10 minutes away. I’ll be leaving the ease of just calling her up and meeting for dinner or a movie. We’ve had a really hard time over the last year coming to terms with the reality of it all. Now I see how painful it must be for her to see me slipping through her fingers.
I’m thankful that we live in times of email and Skype and free long distance through cell phones but I also realize that when I leave, things won’t be the same. Sometimes I wish I’d left home at 18 like my siblings did. But mostly I’m glad I’ve had the 37 years of having my mom so close at hand. I’ve only just begun to grieve the loss of the day to day relationship and I know I still have a long way to go. But for just one second yesterday, in a dark movie theatre, I stood in her shoes and had a moment of clarity… all because of a chick flick and an Abba song.
Slipping Through My Fingers – Abba
Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I’m losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I’m glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she’s gone there’s that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can’t deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didn’t
And why I just don’t know
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers…
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile…
Then I thought of my mom and saw life for just a minute from her perspective. How quickly I must have grown up right in front of her eyes. How often she must have wanted to freeze the picture. I will be leaving home soon. I’ve already left her house but not too far down the road I’ll be leaving the city I’ve lived in the majority of my life. I’ll be leaving the security of having my mom not more than 10 minutes away. I’ll be leaving the ease of just calling her up and meeting for dinner or a movie. We’ve had a really hard time over the last year coming to terms with the reality of it all. Now I see how painful it must be for her to see me slipping through her fingers.
I’m thankful that we live in times of email and Skype and free long distance through cell phones but I also realize that when I leave, things won’t be the same. Sometimes I wish I’d left home at 18 like my siblings did. But mostly I’m glad I’ve had the 37 years of having my mom so close at hand. I’ve only just begun to grieve the loss of the day to day relationship and I know I still have a long way to go. But for just one second yesterday, in a dark movie theatre, I stood in her shoes and had a moment of clarity… all because of a chick flick and an Abba song.
Slipping Through My Fingers – Abba
Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I’m losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I’m glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she’s gone there’s that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can’t deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didn’t
And why I just don’t know
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers…
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile…
Monday, March 3, 2008
Dear Sweet Baby of Mine,
I know, I know, you’re not a baby anymore. You remind me of that often. But you’ll always be My Baby. You have brought so much joy to our family in the last three years. Your sweet smile and giggly laugh are contagious. Your eyes twinkle when you smile just like your Daddy’s. God has truly given you such a warm loving spirit and it shows in everything you do. I love that you love to cuddle as much as you do. It just melts my heart when you snuggle in next to me and say “Mommy, I want chu”.
You are a lover of music. You sing and dance constantly and are always asking me to play your cd’s in the car. You especially love Laurie Berkner, Sesame Street and most recently, the Wiggles. However, Sesame Street still gets played the most out of all of them. You and Ernie both have a deep love for your rubber duckies.
I got a sweet compliment about you at church yesterday. The classroom workers said you are the most well behaved, sweetest kid they have in class. I gave a nervous laugh and said thank you thinking they must say that to everyone but they both piped up and said, no really, we mean that. You are so sweet to your friends. You’re only three so sharing is still an issue at times but if someone is crying, you’re the kid who goes up and wants to know what’s wrong and tells them its going to be ok. Let’s see, your best friends are Abby, Zander, Jake Jake, and Kellan. You and Abby and Zander are inseparable at school.
At three you know your ABC’s and know what sound most of the letters make (thank you Word World!). You can count to 20 but for some reason you don’t like the number 16. You really do have nice manners for a toddler always saying please and thank you. You loooove puzzles! You have several 25 piece puzzles hidden under your crib and they are pulled out and played with daily. Your Great Uncle Bill thinks you may have engineering skills after watching you figure out where each piece goes. Maybe that means you’ll be good at math too. Let’s hope so! You love the computer and play on your Noggin games or on Sesame Street .com every day. You can navigate those websites almost as well as your Sissy. You adore your Rose Petal Cottage and your baby dolls / stuffed animals. You are always putting someone down for a nap, feeding them breakfast, or changing a diaper. Your imaginary world is so fun to be a part of!
You and Kayla are best buddies. I love watching the two of you all sleepy eyed in the morning, curled up in your blankets in front of the TV watching Curious George. Your Sissy is a great helper and loves to make your breakfast and play with you and she’s even trying to help you get potty trained…. yeah, that’s a slow going process but we’re gonna keep working on it. They won’t let you into kindergarten in diapers Kiddo!
This has been a hard year for us all as Daddy is away a lot and we’re still trying to get the house ready to sell. You’ve learned what it means to miss someone and it breaks my heart to hear you say you want Daddy. I do too sweetie. I do too. We’ll all be back together soon. Yesterday you woke up before he left. I think he was happy to be able to give you another birthday hug. I know how sad he is not to be able to be with you today. He has his phone alarm set for 1:30 though so that he can be on the phone with us at 1:33. Your Daddy is sweet like that. We’re all just so blessed.
My Gracie Girl, Graceapottamus, Gracie Bear Bear, you are loved. My cup runneth over with love for you my sweet Baby girl. Happy Happy Happy Birthday. May all your dreams come true.
Love,
Mama
I know, I know, you’re not a baby anymore. You remind me of that often. But you’ll always be My Baby. You have brought so much joy to our family in the last three years. Your sweet smile and giggly laugh are contagious. Your eyes twinkle when you smile just like your Daddy’s. God has truly given you such a warm loving spirit and it shows in everything you do. I love that you love to cuddle as much as you do. It just melts my heart when you snuggle in next to me and say “Mommy, I want chu”.
You are a lover of music. You sing and dance constantly and are always asking me to play your cd’s in the car. You especially love Laurie Berkner, Sesame Street and most recently, the Wiggles. However, Sesame Street still gets played the most out of all of them. You and Ernie both have a deep love for your rubber duckies.
I got a sweet compliment about you at church yesterday. The classroom workers said you are the most well behaved, sweetest kid they have in class. I gave a nervous laugh and said thank you thinking they must say that to everyone but they both piped up and said, no really, we mean that. You are so sweet to your friends. You’re only three so sharing is still an issue at times but if someone is crying, you’re the kid who goes up and wants to know what’s wrong and tells them its going to be ok. Let’s see, your best friends are Abby, Zander, Jake Jake, and Kellan. You and Abby and Zander are inseparable at school.
At three you know your ABC’s and know what sound most of the letters make (thank you Word World!). You can count to 20 but for some reason you don’t like the number 16. You really do have nice manners for a toddler always saying please and thank you. You loooove puzzles! You have several 25 piece puzzles hidden under your crib and they are pulled out and played with daily. Your Great Uncle Bill thinks you may have engineering skills after watching you figure out where each piece goes. Maybe that means you’ll be good at math too. Let’s hope so! You love the computer and play on your Noggin games or on Sesame Street .com every day. You can navigate those websites almost as well as your Sissy. You adore your Rose Petal Cottage and your baby dolls / stuffed animals. You are always putting someone down for a nap, feeding them breakfast, or changing a diaper. Your imaginary world is so fun to be a part of!
You and Kayla are best buddies. I love watching the two of you all sleepy eyed in the morning, curled up in your blankets in front of the TV watching Curious George. Your Sissy is a great helper and loves to make your breakfast and play with you and she’s even trying to help you get potty trained…. yeah, that’s a slow going process but we’re gonna keep working on it. They won’t let you into kindergarten in diapers Kiddo!
This has been a hard year for us all as Daddy is away a lot and we’re still trying to get the house ready to sell. You’ve learned what it means to miss someone and it breaks my heart to hear you say you want Daddy. I do too sweetie. I do too. We’ll all be back together soon. Yesterday you woke up before he left. I think he was happy to be able to give you another birthday hug. I know how sad he is not to be able to be with you today. He has his phone alarm set for 1:30 though so that he can be on the phone with us at 1:33. Your Daddy is sweet like that. We’re all just so blessed.
My Gracie Girl, Graceapottamus, Gracie Bear Bear, you are loved. My cup runneth over with love for you my sweet Baby girl. Happy Happy Happy Birthday. May all your dreams come true.
Love,
Mama
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