I have always taken my relationships to heart.  Be careful deciding to be my friend because once that connection is made, I'm all in.  This gets me in trouble sometimes but I don't regret it.  I'm not good at dealing with the ebb and flow of friendships and today is one of those days it has me down but I don't write this for pity.  I write so I can process thoughts and get them out of my head even if I can't make sense of them.  Nothing specific happened today to make me go down this road.  I work in a business that is all about relationships.  They intrigue me and sometimes I find myself analyzing how it all works.  People meet, they find a common denominator and strike up a conversation.  Sometimes those words turn into a true relationship and sometimes they are just a blip on the radar of passing strangers.  Its the true relationships that I struggle with.  Like I said, once I get to that point, I'm all in.  I have found that I am not the norm.  I often find myself chasing friendships and trying to save something that just isn't going to be saved in the end.  The most frustrating part is when a relationship wanes for no apparent reason.  I don't know when to give up... when to cut ties.  Maybe there are reasons but no one ever tells me because they don't want to hurt my feelings?  Walking away from the friendship with no answers is worse.  At least I could reconcile the feelings if I knew what happened.  Its funny because there are a couple of relationships I've had in the past that have rekindled and I was finally able to ask those questions and get the answers that have settled my heart.  Its hard to be a Tenderhearted Bear but its who I am.  I'm not ashamed of that.  I just wish I felt more understood sometimes.  And there are the rambly thoughts of my brain tonight.  I think I usually make more sense but tonight I just needed a clean canvas to spit up on.  Blech. 

Up Up and Away

This past weekend my mom and sister and I traveled to Tunica, MS for the 2nd Annual Hot Air Balloon Festival.   It was a fun girls' weekend filled with jackpots (Mom's),  room service (all of us) and even some shopping deals (mostly mine).   My sister has had a pretty tough two years and I think it was good for her to get away from routines and just relax for a couple of days.  I know it did me a world of good just to hang out with her.  It always does.  (My girls are the same number of years apart as my sis and me and I always tell my youngest, "just wait, one day you will catch up to her and ya'll will have tons in common".  I speak from experience. )

Mom has wanted to fly for as long as I can remember. She has always loved hot air balloons and when the opportunity came, she knew she had to grab it.  The casino sent a limo to take us to the take-off point and that alone was fun.  There was a glitch in the plans when we found out none of the balloons would have room for us but after some graveling, a couple of pilots decided to take on the task.  It was so fun to see Mom's excitement and watch her cross this off of her bucket list.  The pilot was an exceptionally nice guy from Little Rock, AR who owns Balloon LR.  His name was David Hoover and both my mom and sister said he immediately put them at ease.  I stayed on the ground, not because I was scared or anything but because there simply wasn't room for me.  (Ok, maybe a little bit scared).  I was the official photographer but had no idea we would be chasing the balloon from a limousine so although I got wonderful take-off video and photos, there are zilch of the landing or celebration there after.  In my defense there were other people in the limo with us and I couldn't gracefully excuse myself.  They had all three doors blocked.  Anyway, without further ado I'll let the photography speak for itself.

Yes I wish I had gone too.  Maybe next year.  Maybe not.  I have a lot of other things on my bucket list that would trump this but I have definitely been convinced to at least pencil it in at the bottom.  Maybe even erasable ink.  Maybe.

"Life is short"

Life is short.  Lately it seems that's an understatement.  I am now of the age where people around me are starting to lose their parents.  Sometimes a parent loses a child.  And yesterday a dear classmate lost his brother who graduated just a year behind us. He was full of life and had a smile that could light up heaven. Death is a part of life.  We all know that none of us will get out of here alive. But when there is a sudden loss as in the case of my classmate, it weighs heavily on me and makes me take stock in whether I'm truly living each day as fully as I can.  Some days are filled with wild adventures but others are just filled with hours of TV.  There are days when I'm just plain tired.  Can it be said on those days I'm fully living?  What about the days when my girls want to do something fun and I say no because there is laundry and housework to be done.  If I said yes all the time we'd be naked and covered in cobwebs, right?  Where is the balance? 

My life has been filled with many adventures.  I haven't climbed any mountains but I've gotten married at the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus.  I haven't swum with sharks but I've partied with Cybill Shepherd.  I've snuggled with Bill Cosby, been to the top of the Empire State Building, seen almost everyone I'd want to see in concert, been to Mardi Gras twice, Jazz Fest once and I'm about to attend CMA Music Fest for the second time.  I've never been to Europe but I got engaged in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.  I may never see Australia but I've been to 30 something of the 50 states, including Hawaii.  I haven't met a Kennedy but I've performed at Kennedy Center (with my high school choir but hey...).   I've never met Harry Connick Jr. but I've hugged his dad.  I've planned two very successful high school reunions and I'm in touch with most of my class albeit via Facebook.  Elvis died before I was old enough to meet him but I've been to Graceland at least four times and love to attend the Candlelight Vigil every year my schedule permits. 

I've been deeply loved and have had my heart broken more than once.  I have friends I've known since I was a toddler and made a new friend last week.  My family is close and I talk to my mom and siblings often.  I know that isn't the case with a lot of families.  I have a husband whom I adore and I'm pretty sure he likes me most days.  I have two beautiful daughters who drive me crazy and make me proud all in the same heartbeat.  I have a job that I truly love and have only had two jobs in my entire career that I didn't feel that way about. 

I'll be 42 in two weeks.  I've done a lot in 42 years and as I sit here and think about it all, I'd say I've lived quite a full life... full of laughter, full of friendship, full of adventure and spontaneity, and most of all full of love.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring but I hope in 42 more years I can write another blog post or whatever is in fashion then and reflect on how much more I've experienced. 

Life is short.  Make the most of it that you can, even when there is laundry to be done.  Make room for the mundane but also don't miss out on the magical.  Try new foods because taste buds change (something my 8 year old continually reminds me).  Go see a movie you haven't even seen a preview of - surprise yourself.  When you see a familiar face, figure out where you know them from and go say hello.  Its how I met my husband... we talked three separate times, each a month apart, before exchanging names.  If something breaks, repair it if you can but don't put too much energy into it.  Stuff is stuff.  Relationships are the things you should spend time dusting off, repairing if needed, and cherishing continually.  When you are in a moment, "Make a Memory".  Its something my mom taught me and I hope I'm passing on to my girls.  Life is short but its also full.  Listen to the rain, look for the rainbow.  Smile at strangers. Be who you are and not who you think you should be.  Its very freeing.  We all have so much to offer this world and we need to learn to appreciate our differences more instead of judging and trying to change each other.  I'm not a huge John Mayer fan but he's right - say what you need to say.

Girlfriends

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Steel Magnolias
The Women

You've seen them.  Movies about women who have fierce friendships that stand the test of time, stress, tragedy, marriage, divorce, kids, grandkids.  Women who you can call at 3:48 in the morning because you can't sleep.  Women who will sit through a three hour birthday party for your kid and then hang out afterwards and help you clean up every last dish.  Women you can laugh with, cry with, debate with ... all in the same conversation.  Women who can tell you that dress doesn't do much for you without breaking your spirit.  Women who show up at the drop of a hat in a crisis and just start taking over whatever you don't have the strength to do.  Women who are comfortable sitting in silence when there are no words for the occasion.  

I saw a dear friend of mine today who used to be one of my "go-to's" for everything in high school.  She knew I shouldn't have married my first husband 13 years before I figured it out.  We crammed for exams together, we slumber partied, we passed notes in class.  We haven't been close through our adult years but I still hold so much love for her in my heart and always enjoy our occasional lunches or phone chats.  Today I got to meet "her girls" and I have to say I wish I were as lucky.  

I've always had girlfriends.  It started with Debbie Whatshername when I was two.  There was Jenny Van Vleet who was my first real BFF... we were inseparable to the point that our teacher called us The Bobsey Twins.  There was Heather in 3rd grade who is the ONLY person allowed to call me Betsy Wetsy and I in return call her Heather Feather.  I think I got the short end of the stick there.   Then came Hilary, Susie, Sara, Priscilla, Christian, Angie, Lisa, Jen, Shannon, Jenny, etc.  I've never had a problem having a BFF.

Where I lack is that tight nit gaggle.  The group of three or more who all seem to love each other unconditionally.  The ones who are in book groups and sit around drinking wine, laughing uncontrollably and vacation in that special spot every year.   I sort of had that once for a few years.  I was part of a group of six or so gals who did a lot together and it was wonderful.  I never hesitated to call any of them worried I would be interrupting.  I never ignored their calls when their numbers would come up on caller ID.  They came without my asking after my grandfather died bringing food and paper products so those in mourning wouldn't have to worry with dishes.  They came and sat with my children the night I ended up in the ER.  They cleaned my house when I couldn't.   For reasons I still struggle with that are of my own doing, that is not the case any more.  I'm still friendly with each of them and always enjoy spending time with them but things are different now.  It makes me sad if I think about it too much so I try not to.   Maybe I'm not meant to be part of a circle like that.  I never really did fit into one particular group in high school.  I've never really fit in a particular group at work.   My whole life I've been just on the edge of one group or another.  In return I've had a very diverse list of people in my life.  I'm friends with everyone I've every been friends with for the most part.  Some people I'm not as close to as I'd like to be and although I try, I should probably let those friendships be what they will.  

Maybe my gaggle is out there waiting for me somewhere and I just haven't found it yet.  Maybe I'll be one of those old ladies who wear the red hats.  I really do want to be one of those someday.

***To those of you who are my girlfriends, know that this post by no means is meant to diminish our friendship.  I just started thinking today and this is what came of it.  I'm very blessed to have some very beautiful, wonderful, individual friendships (many of you live much too far away but I love you just the same) and I cherish you all. 

PS... When trying to think of movies that had gaggles of girlfriends in them, I googled "movies about close girlfriends".  Yeah, don't do that.  Trust me.   No seriously, trust me.  The proper term is "movies about female friendships."

This So Called Blog

I've been writing since I was young.  I love to put my thoughts down on paper.  I feel like I'm much more articulate in the written word.  Lately however, writing has been difficult.  I have struggled to figure out why one of my favorite past times became such an inconvenience and then I realized, its the kids' fault.  All day long I have lots of great thoughts run through my head.  I'll meet someone interesting and think I'm going to share that story once I can get to a computer.  And then I pick the kids up from school.  From that point on my brain is a jumble of "what's for dinner?",  "I need help with homework", "SpongeBob Square Pants", "You be the dog catcher and I'll be a wild German Shepherd" "Can I sign up for Skype? I promise I'll only talk to A,B, and C".   Its constant.  My husband works late a lot so its me and the girls and my thoughts simply aren't my own.  Yes, at some point the kids go to sleep but by then my brain is mush.  I go to sleep and all the great thoughts I had that day become odd factors in my dreams.  Oh if only I could publish some of my dreams.  Ya'll would lock me away in the looney bin.  Or at least get a good laugh.   So now as G says "are you done thinking yet?" as she shoots the balls out of her Pig Popper, I must post this before my thoughts are once again not my own. 

Turn Around

So the Hallmark ornaments went out last Saturday and this year we have a Michael Oher ornament.   He is from Memphis so we are hoping the ornament will be a big seller for our store.  In conjunction with that the Tuohy family's foundation Making It Happen  spent a few hours at our store on Saturday promoting what they do and selling their t-shirts, bracelets, and the Tuohy's book, In a Heartbeat: Sharing the Power of Cheerful Giving, autographed by Leigh Anne.    The bracelets say simply "Turn Around" for that is what Leigh Anne and Sean did the first time they saw Michael.  They turned the car around and their lives changed forever. 

When is the last night you followed that gut instinct to turn around and go say hello to someone?  When is the last time you helped someone load their groceries into their car?  When is the last time you checked on an elderly neighbor or offered to babysit for a couple who has a newborn and just need a couple of hours of peace?  Life is all about the little things.   One small gesture really can change someone else's hour, day, or maybe even their life.  Sure maybe passing on a smile is just that, a simple smile.  But what if that person passes it on to the next person they see and so on and so on until that one person that really really needed a friendly face gets the smile and it helps them believe in the good of humanity again?  Ok, I realize I'm a bit of a Pollyanna but even so, what's it going to hurt to take a moment out of your day and say hello to a stranger?  Tell the cashier to have a nice day, even if you don't feel like they deserve the sentiment.    Pay for the person behind you at the coffee shop or at McDonald's.     How many times have you thought about doing something like that but didn't follow through?  Next time, turn around and do it.  Its that easy.  Just Turn Around.

My Boyfriend's Back

This is my friend Randy.  We have been friends for half my life, before both of us were married, before we both had kids.  He started out as my co-worker and quickly became my best friend, dancing partner, protector, and yes, boyfriend.  Its a term we've used for 20 years and neither of our spouses care so it doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks.  We've been through weddings, births, and even a couple of funerals together.  He goes months without calling but when we see each other again its as if no time has passed.  We've never been single at the same time but his mom swears if we ever were we'd end up together.  I beg to differ... I'm not as strong willed and stubborn as his beautiful wife Melissa and that's the kind of woman he needs.  However, I do love him unconditionally (even when he teaches my kids some choice words I'd rather they not know) and he feels the same about me.  We have had many adventures together and I hope we have at least another 30 years to make new memories.  I hate that the miles separate us but love that we make the most of our time together.